lie to me - cth

2.1

Trigger Warning **

Before I knew it, December 21st was here and we're flying over night back to LA. Everything went by so fast. Nicole and I took our finals and graduated in the past month.

I did some self evaluation and realized that there's no way I like Calum. I'd been hooking up with other guys while drunk off my ass here in New York and it all felt the same. Plain sex. Though, I will admit, I enjoy Calum a bit more, but no feelings whatsoever here. I can't do that to myself.

He'd tried calling me and contacting me on multiple occasions, but I just ignored everything. I know most likely I'll be confronted about it; however it doesn't matter when I'm having fun and living my life.

The plane ride was coming to an end and it was my job to wake up the demon next to me. Yes, Nicole can get up by herself easily, but when someone else tries waking her up, oh lord help them.

"Hey Nicole wake up," I whisper. "We're landing and you need to get your seatbelt on."

She groaned and complied not giving me as many problems as I was expecting. Nicole stayed awake and was adjusting to the slight gaze of light the sunrise gave us.

I on the other hand didn't sleep at all throughout the ride. Before we took off, I texted Calum that I'm sorry I didn't respond and that I'm on the plane back right now. Looking back at it I realize it wasn't the best idea. For all I know, he could be waiting for my plane to land to ask exactly what had happened. He promised to contact me everyday and he did; though I didn't live up to my promise.

The plane successfully landed and my phone instantly got a spam of messages who I presumed were from Calum. Pulling my phone out I checked and my assumptions were correct. I skimmed through them and the last message revealed he is waiting for the plane to land.

I nervously got out of my seat and headed to baggage pick up and saw him. My heart's racing and I didn't know what to do. He started steeping closer and with every step he took, my heart race increased little by little.

Why am I so worried though? I agreed that I'm over him. I brush it off and try to ignore him the best I can. Though that didn't work when he grabbed my arm and pulled me away from the crowd started to walk outside.

"Calum what are you doing!" I said as loud as possible while keeping my voice down. "I need to get my luggage and Nicole I probably going to wonder where I'm at!" I try escaping his grip, but when I can't flashbacks come back from Justin's actions. Tears almost escape my eyes as his grip tightens. I stop trying and we eventually get to his car.

"CAL-" I start but before I can finish he covers my mouth.

"Carmen," he says and I look at him. He sees tears in my eyes and he has a guilty look on his face. "I'm sorry if I hurt you but I really need to talk to you. I already texted Nicole and she should know exactly what's going on."

I nod my head and turn around to get into the car. Tears still threaten to go down my face, but I hold them all in. Usually car rides with Calum are happy and fun. Though that can't be said for this one. He knows he triggered something, but he doesn't know what.

"Can I ask what I did to make you look like you're going to breakdown?" He asked.

"Yeah well do you remember if I told you anything about my ex?" I said just decided to tell him. My mind can't remember if I did or not at the moment, but I'm hoping I haven't yet.

"Not that I can remember. You might have told me, but I would try to forget about your ex," he mumbled the last part as if talking about my ex hurts him. Though he doesn't know this is going to hurt me more.

**"Well he mentally and physically abused me. He'd get drunk and call me over to his dorm just to beat me and put negative thoughts in my brain. I'd get told I'm worthless and that nobody wants me. That I'm lucky enough to have him. I knew every time he called me that I'm falling for it all over again, but I convinced myself I loved him and that he loved me. I believed nobody would ever love me and that I had to deal with the abuse to be loved. Eventually Nicole noticed the bruises on my wrist after I accidentally pulled my sleeves up and I was forced to tell her everything. She helped me break up with him and I got a therapist. I'm over it now, but things still trigger it. For example, you holding onto my arm like that. I know you didn't mean it so don't feel bad." I started crying and he grabbed my hand.

"It's okay Carmen. Just know I will never do that to you."

I smiled and realized I did fall for Calum Hood. Being away and ignoring him didn't help me. I don't think anything will. I can't hurt him. I can't do this anymore. The more I lead him on the more it will hurt the both of us.

I looked at him and he seemed so happy to be doing something as simple has holding my hand. This has to end. I just came back and I'm going to break him. It's better sooner than later thought, right?

We arrived at his house about five minutes after me confessing about my ex and he lead me inside. Duke came up to me hopping on my leg with excitement as he did every time I was over.

I kept following Calum to his living room and sat on the couch. Duke went on my lap and my heart race increased again. This is the conversation that was bound to happen, but I didn't expect it to happen this soon.

"Carmen," he said. "Why'd you ignore me?" It was such a simple question with such a deep meaning behind it. There's no way to tell him without sounding like a jerk. Because me saying 'Yeah sorry I just needed to try getting over you because I can't feel love' sounds so nice.

"Umm...Well I was pretty busy," I said more as a question though. He raised his eyebrow and my lie that I wouldn't even believe didn't work.

"I can't fall any deeper than I have Calum," I simply said cutting the conversation as short as I can.

"What do you mean?"

"Do you really want to know?"

He nodded and I let a breath out. Here it goes Carmen just tell him the truth.

"I told you about Justin and I's relationship. There's no way in hell I can be in a relationship again. We both know this friends with benefits thing is going somewhere deeper. I keep trying to deny my feeling, but no matter how many times I say no I'm just telling myself lies. I'm falling for you Hood and I'm not going to allow to dive any deeper."

He looked at me with tears in his eyes. I felt so bad, but it had to be done. My heart wanted to hug him and tell him I'm sorry, but I can't. It just can't happened. To much pain will be put on both sides if I keep doing this.

"Carmen don't let Justin affect your entire future. His mistake was his not mine. Carmen I love you. There I said it. I didn't realize it until right now, but I do. I thought I didn't believe in love anymore. Please don't run away from it. In the end you might be hurt even more," he said. I was in shock. He loves me? Do I love him? Is that what the heart racing and butterflies are? No I can't. Also, I won't be hurt more. We'd both be hurt more if I didn't end it any sooner.

"I'm sorry Calum I can't do this anymore. You don't know how much pain I've been through," I said trying to hold my tears for the millionth time today; because god knows I love him, but I can't dare deal with the heartbreak all over again.

"Carmen don't do this please" He said with a single tear.

"I'm so sorry Calum," I say as I walked out the front door of his house.

That was the end of what felt like everything. The only thing I want to know is why this is hurting more than when I left Justin. Maybe I loved him too. Shit.

This hurt me as much as it hurt you guys :( I might not update this friday either. please forgive me but i have a lot. i promise i will TRY thought. give me your thoughts and vote please. it means a lot <3

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