Please Me (under construction)

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мerc jaĸoвѕ pov

There she was. She was laughing with her pack. Her head thrown back and her eyes clenched tight in laughter. I could hear the melodic tune from across the field. She made me want to kneel at her feet and be the reason that smile is on her face. She doesn't event know that I exist. I'm invisible. I'm always a few steps behind her. Watching her every move. I'm not stalking her or anything like that, I'm just paying very close attention to everything she does at every minute of the day.

I knew her schedule better than I knew my own. I shook my head at my silly thoughts snapping out of my trance. I don't deserve someone like her. She needs someone better and stronger then me. She needs a mate she can be proud of. A mate who won't bring her down. She needs a man and I'm just a boy struggling to be a man. My mask of happiness was breaking day by day and most times I could only stay for an hour around the pack before rushing to my room to cry loudly in the shower. With my bathroom and room being sound proof and the shower being loud no one can hear my broken sobs. She doesn't need me. She doesn't want me.

My wolf whimpers at the true statement and he also hangs his head in shame before curling up in the corner of my mind. We are too weak. What kind of Alpha am I? I don't deserve to be one. I drive my first into the shower wall not feeling the pain of punching the wall. I punch it over and over again and cry at the squeezing of my heart. You're a pathetic excuse of a wolf. My mind would whisper to me making me punch the wall harder. My hand was bleeding, the blood coming out from the jagged edges of the already healing scars. The wall of the shower was stained crimson and I sunk to the shower floor, shivering as the cold water beats down on my hot skin. My heat had started and will last for the next four hours or until my mate claims and mate with me. I squirm in pain, my wolf calling for the mate that it doesn't have. I have the heat since I am the submissive wolf. Although, my mate is a female I won't get pregnant, I just get the heat until she marks me as her's. 

This happened once a month on the first Saturday of each month between 11 am and 3 pm. My claws itch but I kept them wrapped knowing I would start clawing at myself if I didn't. I still have the self inflicted scars to prove it. While most of the scars didn't come from heat. I am ashamed to admit that I have cut myself on more than enough occasions. Cutting makes me feel alive, like I still have something to live for. Cutting helps me know that I'm still alive no matter how much I wish I wasn't. I prayed to the Moon Goddess to end my existence, because she was the only one who can in fact kills us. The whole silver and wolfsbane thing is just a lie. It does temporarily slow us down but it can't kill us unless the Moon Goddess allows it to happen. I've ingested so much of the stuff to the point were I'm on the verge of death and no matter how hard I plead for her to let me stay with her she always sends me back saying my destiny hadn't been fulfilled yet and won't be for many years to come.

Living is my own personal punishment for all the things I've done wrong to others. I'm meant to suffer the same way I caused others to. If I wasn't so messed up maybe she'd want me. Not even the Moom Goddess want me, but then again I don't blame her. I don't even want me. Plain and simple. I try not to bother anyone and annoy then with my presence for to long. I don't want to upset anyone anymore then I already have. I closed my eyes as the heat simmers down. The last thirty minutes is when your body relax and you go  into a temporary paralysis so it can build up strength again. I stay in my same hunched over position before I'm able to move again. I dry off quickly and adverted my eyes from the mirror. I don't need to see how disgusting I look. It will only lead me to creating more violent marks on my body until I pass out from blood loss. I only do that when the pack has fallen asleep. I can only get sleep if I'm heavily drugged or I do mentally exhausting things like look at myself in the mirror or remembering to breathe because I'm still alive. 

Or remembering that I'm all by myself in this world. No one to love me and take care of me because I don't deserve it. No one should have to deal with me and I make myself as scarce as possible. Hopefully I'll encounter someone who will be more than willing to destroy the last bit of my sanity and rip me to pieces that the Goddess with have no choice but to let me stay with her. But, it seems as if no matter how far I travel into rogue infested territory they never bother me. I thought rogues were feral creatures. I haven't seen one yet. They are quite loud though. I haven't eaten in a couple of days and I just need something small enough to keep me from collapsing on my bedroom floor. I grabbed an apple, ignoring the prepared lunch. I went to sit in the forest. My back rested against an old tree. 

I ate my Apple quickly and turned to face the tree before running my hands along it. I do wish I had at least a friend, but then again I am meant to be alone. I can't burden another soul with my mistakes. I am not worthy of such a luxury. I laid on the forest floor, not caring about the dirt getting into my hair and the sticks pressing into my back. I stared up at the sun. It looked less threatening in the forest because the trees blocked the harsh glare it emitted. I laid there for an hour before dusting myself off and making my way back inside to do my rounds. My pack ignored me as usual. She ignored me as usual and I'm trying to convince myself that I'm fine with it because I am. I'm nothing. Just a weak wolf, disguised as a strong one. Just a wolf on the verge of having a mental breakdown in his empty room away from prying eyes.

I looked her way and saw her whispering and pointing at me, before laughing with her group. I looked away quickly with tears building in my eyes and walked out of the room. I probably annoyed her with my presence. I'm so stupid. I went back up to my room before anyone could see me break. I am meant to be alone. Before I could open my room door I heard her call out to me. My heart thumped in my chest as I remember our last encounter. That was five months ago. "Yes, Alpha Aslina?" I asked in the most put together tone I could muster with my back towards her. She smelt heavenly. I wanted to bury my face in her neck and curl up into her side and do whatever she wanted. She smelt of chocolate and caramel. 

"Will you be at the party tonight, Alpha Jakobs?" She asked curiously.

"No ma'am." I said with a shake of my head. My head began it's familiar pounding it did when I was on the verge of breaking down. "Is that all ma'am?"

"Yes. That's all." She said. I turned, gave her a tight smile, and then disappeared into my dimly lit room. The curtains are always drawn to keep it cooler in here. I will most likely watch movies all night until I pass out. 

"Keep it together, Merc."