Please Me (under construction)

nιne

мerc jaĸoвѕ pov

When I woke up I felt someone next to me and I looked up from the chest I was laying on. My hands skimmed her body in disbelief. Last night was real. My wolf howled in happiness and a big grin arched across my face for the first time in years. I hugged her closer to me and sucked her collar bone to help me go back to sleep, before she woke up. I was getting ready to go to sleep when I heard her walking up. "I've got to find him an alternative thing to suck on. My collar bone looks purple." She whisper to herself as her hand ran through my hair. I leaned into her touch and she laughed lightly. "Hey, baby boy."

I wanted to smile so badly at her words but I continued to be asleep. When I 'woke' up her grey eyes meet my own and a breathtaking smile graces her face. I almost fainted at the smile she gave me. "G-good morning." I stuttered pathetically. I was nervous. What if she thinks this was a mistake as well?

"Good Morning, baby. What do you want for breakfast?" She asked me and I looked away in horror.

"I'm not hungry." I said quickly.

"Well to bad." She said and got up. I clung to her quickly afraid she'll leave.

"I'll eat. Just don't leave." I begged her. I don't care how pathetic I looked, I just don't want her to leave. "I'll eat." She shushed me and rubbed my back soothingly as I put my head in the crook of her neck.

I knew it was to good to be true. I have been trying to talk to her all day, but she ignores me and act as if I don't exist. When she was in her way to the bathroom I followed her up. "W-why are you i-ignoring me?" I asked softly. I saw her tense up and my heart dropped even more.

"Look Merc, you're a nice guy and all but I can't be with you. Last night I was in a bad place and I just need someone to hold me." She stated truthfully. My eyes had tears threatening to fall.

"If we be together then I can hold you every night." I stated hopefully.

"No. I don't want you. You didn't want me, so now I don't want you." She exclaimed. I nodded my head in acceptance. This was for revenge. I don't blame her though.

"I understand, Alpha Aslina." I responded professionally and walked off to my room. I ignored my wolf's heartbroken hotels and struggled to keep the tears at Bay. I need to get to my room. I'm such an idiot. "Oh Dios mío." I muttered to myself. I slammed the door to my room and lock the door behind me.

"You honestly thought she'll love you after what you did to her?" My subconscious taunted. "You are a pathetic fool. I wouldn't want to be around you at all." 

I gripped my head. Clawing my hands down my face. I sunk to the floor and slowly rocked back and forth.

"Go on and cry. That's what you always do. She would never want someone who abused their own mate. She wants someone pure. Someone who hasn't been touched. If you weren't such a little slut you might have her." My mind screamed at me. "You're so needy. So clingy."

Tears streamed down my face. I crawled in front of the mirror and pulled the covering off it.

"Look at yourself. Look at how disgusting you look. You're fat. Your skin is too pale. You have scars on you. You're pathetically hideous. How can you stand to be around yourself? No wonder the Moon goddess doesn't want you. Why would pulls she want to claim a pathetic wolf like you?" 

I screamed loudly. I heaved as I sobbed at the truthful words. It was all my fault.

"You killed your own parents and then blamed someone else. You let a woman touch you in a way that only a mate should. You're disgusting. Weak. You made her hurt you. It's all your fault that she whipped you. You could have fought back, but you were so weak. So fucking weak. You sobbed pathetically. You shouldn't have fell asleep. You shouldn't have let her catch you. How are you an Alpha, if you can't protect yourself? It's your fault they're dead. You should've payed attention." My mind spat at me. "You shouldn't have been born."

"I know that. I know that!" I screamed in anguish. My throat felt constricted. I couldn't breathe and no matter how much I try to calm down it wouldn't work. I could hear my wolf screaming at me. "Please stop. I'm sorry."

"Sorry is what you are. Sorry won't bring your parents back. They would be so disappointed in how their only child turned into. A weak, pathetic, and useless Alpha. I bet you your mum wished to have aborted you. You're the lowest of the low. Saying sorry isn't going to fix anything. It isn't going to get your mate back. Look at yourself. Look at what other people see when they look at you. See how disgusted they are when you're in their presence."

I looked at myself. I cried harder. My hands touched the mirror and I continued to look at myself. "You're right. I am a weak, pathetic, and a useless wolf. I am disgusting. I shouldn't have been born. I should've faught back." I whispered to the mirror.

"You're weak. You're a toy. You serve others. You let them use you and once they are done, you let them toss you away." It continued. I laid spread out on the floor. Tears still streaming down my face. "I can't believe that the Goddess would grant a wolf like you life."

I didn't bother blocking out the negative comments swirling in my mind. I blocked out my wolf's whining and whimpering. I already know I'm pathetic. She told me already. She whipped it into me. Marizina help me see the truth, when she captured me. I am not worthy of being a wolf. I am not worthy of having a mate. The day ended and I laid in the same spot. A week passed and I still didn't move. I had no reason to. A month passed and I hoped to wither away.

Two months, turned into three before I reached out for some water in my mini fridge. I ate the stale cracker packets that laid on my floor as well. I had no reason to exit this room. I could stay in this room for a year and still be caught up on my paperwork and making money. My heat came and I struggled with it. My back ached from the chilled floors. It was December in the pack house. No one came to check on me. They didn't care. My mate didn't care and yet I don't blame her. I was the one who rejected her. I don't need anyone. We don't need anyone. I have my wolf and my thoughts. They keep me barely sane. I don't miss human interaction. 

I don't need it, because all I'm going to do is anger them. I don't need people angry at me. I don't need people disgusted by me. I'm just a soul drifting through life waiting for my time to be up. I shivered as cold air wracked through my body. I coughed harshly and sniffled. I'm sick and I didn't care. Maybe this sickness will kill me. Maybe the Moon goddess will take Mercy on me and end my personal torment. I wasn't angry. I just accepted my situation and knew that it wouldn't get any better. I've thought of handing over my Alpha title and leaving the states. Yet, I shut that thought down as soon as it came. This is the only thing I have left of my parents. Marizina burned the rest in front of me.

I'm no one. I'm just a being struggling to live a life I don't want.