Perfect (Third book to the series Senior Year) - jb

21. Panic

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Ava's POV

I stood there. In the hallway.

Feeling dumb as hell.

And confused.

Was I in the wrong? Justin was clearly pissed about something but I couldn't quite understand why. Yes, I came here unannounced, but was it really that big of a deal? Maybe I shouldn't have lashed out at him like that, about smoking weed and whatever I lashed out about. But all along it was just me, being worried about him. And yes, maybe I shouldn't have yelled at him when he got back from wherever, but I honestly thought he was going to kill himself in that condition.

A part of me wanted to turn around and say sorry to him but then again, shouldn't it be him saying sorry and not me?

The house was silent. The only thing I heard was Justin breathing heavily behind me. Slowly I turned around, not really sure what to do or say next.

He stood there in the doorway of his bedroom, back facing me and leaning against the door frame.

"I just- I'm so worried about you, all the time." my voice was barely a whisper.

He didn't say anything.

"I'm sorry for... being mad at you." I spoke, more loudly this time.

But still, he said nothing.

I sighed.

"Justin, I'm talking to you." I took one step closer, my heels clicking against the floor.

Nothing.

"Justin, please. At least look at me." I basically begged.

He was acting so strange. He was never like this. But then again, there had been a six month break between us.

"Ava, I don't understand what you want me to do. I'm just so lost." he murmured, dropping his head lower.

Suddenly a wave of desperation and panic came over me. I felt like I was just moments away from the worst anxiety attack ever. I had those when I was in Brookhaven but it had been months now from the last one. But I desperate. This had to work. I left everything and everyone on the other side of the continent and all I wanted to was just go home, maybe to my parents and leave this stuff behind. It was starting to be too much and I was having a hard time to recall the ways to calm myself when I felt like nothing was going to get better.

"No, we have to make this work. You don't understand, Justin. We have to make this work." I spoke, breathing rapidly, suddenly seeing stars in my vision, " I left everything just to be here. This has to work. I feel like I'm losing my mind."

My chest felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. My dress was suddenly too tight and I had to clench my fists from the mental pain I was feeling at the moment. I couldn't breathe.

I can't breathe.

But Justin just stood there, he didn't even look at me. I didn't know what to do to get his attention. My whole body felt weak.

"This has to work..." my voice was barely a whisper so I didn't blame Justin for not hearing me.

I squeezed my upper stomach with my weak hand.

"I'm just tired, tired from these fights. And they never end." I heard him mumble, still not facing me.

"I know." I sobbed, feeling like I was losing sanity any second now.

I started pacing around, suddenly feeling so uncomfortable in my clothing. I tried to kick my shoes off but they were so tight that I only managed to kick the air in front of me.

"I can't do this. I can't do this." I blathered while squeezing my head between my hands, "Justin, I can't breathe"

That made him turn around. He saw me in a desperate state of mind and without a thought he rushed to me to get a grip from both of my arms.

"Ava, you're as pale as a sheet of paper. We have to get you to bed." he started to lift me up to carry me in a bridal style to his bedroom.

All the while I tried to concentrate on what was real even though I felt like I was in another world.

Justin's POV

My heart was beating hard against my ripcage. I took Ava to my bed. Her delicate body felt so stiff and I could basically feel against my hands how fast she was breathing. I put her down on the bed carefully and proceeded to take off her shoes.

"I can't breathe." she cried outloud, dragging the last word.

My hands were shaking as I tried to open the small buckles on her shoes but my vision was suddenly blurred. Tears filled my eyes but I quickly wiped them away.

"Shh, Ava, it's okay. Just lay down and count to ten for me, okay?" I had no idea what I was doing.

I knew she was having a panic attack or something like that but I wasn't a nurse, clearly. I was so bad at this. All I thought was that I needed her to get back to this world. Maybe naming out object she saw around her or concentrate on something else. That was all I got.

"One-" she sobbed loud, clearly trying to do what I told her to do, "Two... This is pointless, Justin. You don't- This is- I can't breathe."

And with that she grabbed a hold from my shoulder, so tight that it felt like she was digging through my skin. I managed to take her left shoe off and tossed it away quickly.

Suddenly flashbacks from six months ago errupted my mind. I had heard her cry like this before and it was something I never wanted to hear again after all that had happened to us. I felt like something knocked the air out of me because I couldn't do anything. All I could do was listen to Ava cry and sob.

I was helpless just like she was. Neither one of us wanted a life like this. It was starting to get harder and harder to have a good relationship with her. And I was sure she thought the same.

"I'm sorry, Ava, I'm sorry." I bit my lowerlip to prevent myself from crying.

She cried hard, now holding both of her palms against her face. I got up from the floor and went next to her, lifting her into my arms. I placed her sideways on my lap and wrapped my arms around her. Taking a deep breath I pressed my face against her neck, making sure she could hear me breathe properly. I was trying to hide the fact that I was crying too.

-

Eventually Ava calmed down. She just sat there, on my lap, her left cheek against my chest with one shoe on her foot and the other one across the room. We didn't talk. I didn't know what to say or tell her. Only one thought was filling my mind and I was scared to say it out loud.

This is not what I want anymore.

~

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