Untouched

14. Sunday/ My life really can get worst-day

Mattan and Mara this. Mattan and Mara that. Their names can't even be combined into a good couple name; Marran or Mata or Mattamara? No matter which way you try to join them, the result is always the same. Terrible.

No one else seems to agree. Everyone is talking about Mattan and Mara settling down. Everyone is excited about Mattan and Mara settling down. Except for me.

I can't even fake the happiness I'm supposed to be feeling.

Standing in front of the new cabin belonging to Mattan and Mara, I feel like an outsider. My brother is no longer mine and every time Mara touches him, a fresh jolt of jealously snaps through me. I dig my nails into my palm to prevent myself from swiping at her, to claim him back as mine. I don't have those rights anymore.

I can't believe I'm jealous of my brother's girlfriend.

I dread to think what a psychologist would say about that fact, not that I'll ever meet one. They're all probably dead.

Mara sits in a chair on the porch. She looks slightly greyish as her nose wrinkles for the hundredth time. The nose wrinkling is really irritating. If I didn't know she was pregnant I'd think it's because I smell. It must be morning sickness.

No one is mentioning the pregnancy. They're keeping it secret for a bit longer so it looks like it happened after they settled. It's normal for most Naturalist couples to get pregnant quickly and continue to pump children out like it's an enjoyable experience. Maybe, the making of them is.

Having lots of siblings also means their children have playmates and aren't so isolated. Being an only child must be terrible. Children are only allowed to venture out the cabin without parents once they're considered mature enough to understand and follow the rules, to know what is acceptable and what is not. Me and Mattan spent years playing together in our cabin before we were allowed to go to school and socialise with other children. I was five and Mattan was seven. He postponed his schooling because he didn't want to leave me by myself.

Back then the school didn't exist. A man from our settlement volunteered to teach the children. He was cruel. Me and my brother only went for a few days until my parents pulled us out and campaigned for us to get a proper education, with teachers who knew what they were doing. It took years until that happened, our parents homeschooled us until then.

'No woods today?' Mattan asks, standing in front of me.

I shake my head in response and he shrugs, not saying anything further. Normally, he would have tickled me until I told him the reason why, but now the ease of our relationship has disappeared.

I hate the non-contact rule.

'Will you be heading to The Rec soon?' Mara asks.

Sooner than I want, if you keep wrinkling that nose. 'After I visit Alma.'

'How is Alma?' Mattan sits in the chair next to Mara and leans forward.

'Ok.' I've been visiting more often over the last week and every time she's seemed frailer. Her hands are always shaking and her mind often becomes lost in some distant memory. I wish I could help Alma, instead of having to stand back and watch as she slowly deteriorates.

'Are you coming to The Rec today?' I ask.

'No. We don't think it would be suitable for us to attend The Rec anymore,' Mara says, placing a hand on my brothers. He clutches it tightly but his smile looks tense.

'Are we too childish for you now?' I retort.

'I didn't mean it like that,' Mara says quickly. 'You don't need us there anyway. You have Suki, and I know Axel is always asking after you when you don't go. He really likes you. The two of you get on so well, I'm sure it won't be long till you both decide to settle down too.' Mara smiles encouragingly, trying to act motherly already.