Untouched

27. Friday/ My insides are being torn to pieces-day

The bell chimes for dinner followed by an echo of front doors opening and shutting. I can visualise the slow procession of families towards the canteen, everyone moving, synchronised and spaced out. 

What will happen when the population exceeds the capacity of this area? Where will people go? How will they continue to enforce the no-contact rule?

Staring at the two books stacked on my bedside table, I wish now I'd read them slower. I devoured them, reading them at every opportunity since Zach gave them to me. He was right, they are brilliant except my need to finish them has left me with no escape from my thoughts which continue to drift to Zach.

The ache building in my chest is getting worse.

I focus past the books and through the window to the trees which remind me of a time I would love to relive. If I could go back; I would savour every moment, make every second count.

I would have touched Zach sooner.

In moments like this, I miss Alma even more than normal. She would have known what to do. She'd guide me in her indirect way, but she's gone and the loss I feel without her in my life only convinces me more my decision to reject the transfer was the right one. I couldn't leave my family. 

I turn my back to the window and stare at the blank wall. This is better.

Dab knocks on the door. 'Kit, me and Daa have been waiting for you at the dining hall but you didn't turn up. I came to see if you need help walking over?'

'I'm not hungry,' I call back.

I'm lying.

I just don't want them to see me like this; my throat blocked and my eyes stinging from all the unshed tears threatening to brim over at any point. I've managed to hold them in all day. I prevented them from surfacing when Suki gave me a lecture on the way to school on the risks of physical contact and the importance of Naturalist rules. I ignored the ache telling me to run to Ben who was waiting by the side of the school and clearly expecting for me to change my mind. I refused to show any emotion whilst I watched Zach allow a girl to run her fingers along his neck and talk so closely into his ear she was practically licking it. I blinked back the tears when I joined my friends on the walk home and Axel made a jibe about the Techie being bored of me already. I held them back when my parents spoke to me about only wanting what's best for me and how they will support me no matter what I decide in life. I don't want to cry because it won't change anything. 

I gave up the opportunity of a transfer, and Zach isn't mine.

'Can I come in?' Dab calls through the door.

'If you want.' I remain staring at the blank wall as I listen to the door slowly creak open.

'You need to eat, Kit.' Dab shuffles uncomfortably in the doorway, unsure what to say. I don't know why he didn't send Daa. Daa is usually the one who attempts to get us to open up and talk about emotional stuff.

'I'm not hungry, I had a big lunch.' My excuse is pathetic. We all ate the same thing and he knows as well as me it wasn't big. It was the same size it always is. Unsatisfyingly small.

Dab steps into the room and sits on the bed next to me which dips under his weight. I watch from the corner of my eye as his gaze drifts around my room. His eyes settle on the books me and Zach got from the school. 'Are they new books?'

'They're from the library,' I say flatly.

He nods but he's unable to hide the disapproving look on his face. He doesn't like me using the library. Dab would prefer I only read the books he brought from his previous life; a tiny collection based on the topics of organic food, holistic medicine and self-help. All three topics have no value to me. I don't want to work in the kitchen like him or advise people on the best herbs to treat their scaly skin and haemorrhoids, and when I try to visualise my life goals it results in visions of me escaping this settlement to faraway places which is an unattainable dream.