Untouched

43. Day Forty Nine

'You don't own me
I'm not just one of your many toys...
And don't tell me what to do
Don't tell me what to say...'
(You don't own me, Lesley Gore)

Pacing in front of the door, I wait for Ben to arrive. No food has been left on the table, so unless he plans on starving me, I won't have to wait long.

The door opens and a surge of anger flares up inside me when I see Ben.

'I want the treadmill back,' I demand, crossing my arms across my chest.

'No. You were overexerting yourself. It's better you don't have access to it. You clearly can't be trusted to pace yourself.' He stops in the doorway, and I let my gaze drift past him into the hallway. Grey walls and a corrosive smell greet me once again. He steps into the room and the door closes behind him.

'I know what my body is capable of,' I retort.

'You may think you do, but you will end up doing yourself more harm than good.'

'You're only worried I'll mess up your research,' I hiss.

'It has nothing to do with the research.'

'I'm stuck in this room alone, bored out of my mind. What do you expect me to do all day?' I shout.

Fury bubbles inside me. I don't want to be here, to live like this.

'My priority is to ensure you're healthy and safe, not keep you amused,' Ben says flatly.

'Your priority is the research. Don't pretend for one second it has anything to do with my well-being. You're a liar. You said you cared, but you don't treat people you care about like this,' My voice cracks.

Why am I upset? I knew he was lying.

Ben steps forward and I step back. He sighs. 'I'll return it if you agree to stick to a schedule given to you. If you don't follow the schedule, it will be taken away and not returned.'

'Fine.' I scowl, grabbing the container out of his hand.

Where's the rest of my food for the day? Let me guess, you're going to starve me too now, in the name of research.

I stomp to the microwave, place the container inside and slam the door shut. After setting the timer, I lean against the counter, waiting for the familiar ping. It's amazing and strange how familiar I've become with technology.

Ben hasn't moved from his position, and I look at him curiously.

There's something wrong.

'What's the matter?' I ask.

'We're starting the next round of procedures. You'll be collected tonight,' Ben says

My fingers grip the counter behind me. 'I don't want to go back to that room.'

'The samples I took the other day show you're fully recovered. It was a lot faster than expected which means there is no need to wait any longer. You'll go in for a procedure tonight and be brought back here tomorrow. It's just a small operation. Nothing to worry about.'

Nothing to worry about? Not finding the perfect song to match my mood or getting sick of the boiling hot shower is nothing to worry about. An operation is everything to worry about.

Ben crosses his arms and looks away from me. 'I also think it would be better if I allocated someone else to look after you from now on.'

'Why?' I stand up straight, slightly panicked at the thought of more people touching me.

'You flinch every time I approach you, you're always on edge when I'm around. This arrangement is clearly not working.' Ben looks at his feet.

I may hate him but I hate the thought of someone else touching me even more.

'I don't want any of you near me. I've had sixteen years of living in a Naturalist settlement. The only people I've had physical contact with are my parents and brother.'

'Only those three?' Ben's eyes narrow. I forgot he knew about Zach.

I avert my eyes as my face heats up in embarrassment.

'You must have liked him a lot,' Ben says quietly.

I did like him, more than I was willing to admit to myself at the time. And even though the first time we touched was forced on us, due to the situation, I can't help think we would have eventually found another excuse. I wanted to touch him. And once the first time happened, I allowed it to continue, going further each time.

Ben walks towards me, watching me carefully as I wipe away an escaped tear.

'What do you want from me?' I ask quietly.

Ben raises his hand then lowers it quickly, an unreadable expression flickers across his face.

What is going on in that messed up head of yours?

He steps back. 'Nothing. If you prefer for me to continue in this role, I will.' Ben turns away and walks towards the door. 'Eat your breakfast, it will be the last meal you have today. I'll be back tonight to collect you for the procedure.' Ben exits the room and the door slides shut behind him.

I take the hot container out the microwave but my insides are tangled. I can't stomach anything now.

It's going to start all other again. More testing, more probing until eventually they find something worthwhile or decide I'm useless.

Either way, the end result will be the same. My death.