Silenced

Chapter 64

            "It is 2 in the morning." Silas irritated tone made me pause. I had come down stairs for a glass of water because I couldn't sleep. I wondered if I should go back up to bed without it. I didn't want to make Silas any more upset. He hadn't even looked up from the papers he was working on. Maybe he was annoyed with the paperwork and not me.

~What are you doing?~ I asked. I moved close enough so that I could peak over his shoulder a little when I walked by.

"Paper work." He glanced at me when he spoke but he didn't turn all the way.

~Why so much?~ I asked. It looked like a small mountain.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping?" He asked.

~Shouldn't you.

"Did you just sass me?"  Silas brow furrowed and he swiveled around in his seat to face me directly. I focused on my original task. Being turned away from Silas to fill my glass with water was an easy excuse to hide my blush. I didn't answer him and I drank my water slowly. I heard Silas set his pen down and stand up. He moved to lean against the counter next to me.

"Did you have another nightmare?" He asked.

I shook my head.

"Would you tell me if you did?" He asked.

~I don't know.~ I admitted. I wanted to say that I would because I knew that was what he would want but I couldn't be sure it was the truth.

Silas nodded as he watched me.

"Come on." He said with a yawn. I set my cup down and followed him in to the living room. Silas sat down on the couch and gestured for me to sit down next to him. I sat down. He reached over and pulled my legs up so that my feet sat in his lap.

"Relax Ry." He sighed. He leaned his head back against the couch and closed his eyes. After several minutes of silence, I sat back as well. Silas hands shifted and he began massaging my feet. I watched him at first but it was pretty obvious that what ever irritation he had showed earlier had faded.

"The paper work is for you." He said. I tensed up. I couldn't imagine what I had done that required that much paperwork. It couldn't be anything good. Silas laughed.

"Don't worry about it." He shook his head. "It's just formalities to allow you on my training field... Usually I can work on a little at a time instead of cramming it in one night like this. If Matthew had told me before letting you out there it would be done already."

I relaxed a little at his words. His thumb moved up and down the sole of my foot. I thought about asking him to go easy on Matthew but he didn't sound like he was upset with him anymore.

"Aaron and I have decided that you can't spare without direct consent from us. Adam, Alex, and Quinn are a safe to train with but anyone new we would need to be present to ensure the safety of both sides." Silas said.

I nodded. I was a little bummed that I wouldn't be allowed to train in a group like the others but I understood their decision.

"We want to offer you an alternative since you will not be able to take a course." Silas said. I perked up at his words. The idea of an alternative was intriguing.

"Cassy mentioned that you have given some of the girls in her group advice on their techniques..." Silas said. "Do you have experience in training other wolves?"

I nodded.

"I thought so." He sighed shaking his head. "Would you be interested in training? It would be at a green level until we get an idea on how advanced your teaching skills are."

~Green?~ I asked. We didn't have color coded fighting groups in Wolfsbane.

"Entry level. Probably Cassy's age group, maybe younger." He said.

I nodded again. I was excited by just the thought of teaching again. There was a flicker of fear that kept me from jumping into Silas lap in excitement. Accepting a teaching position would mean that I was accepting the pack. I would be back in the same position that I had been in Wolfsbane.

"What's wrong?" Silas asked.

'I don't know if I'm ready to be a part of Willow pack...' I signed.

Silas pointed to the stack of papers that he had left on the counter.

"You don't have to be an official pack member in order to partake in training, teaching, or otherwise." He said. "Entering the pack would require a different process. Traditions and such."

'Like submitting to the Alpha?' I asked.

"Something like that." He agreed.

'Wolfsbane requires a blood bond.' I signed.

"I didn't know they allowed outsiders to join." Silas said.

'It is rare but bloody. They do require initiation when you become of age. It is actually not a terrible tradition. It shows that you are willing and ready to give your life for your pack.'

"I can see how that might be important to some." Silas switched feet before looking back at me.

'The pack itself isn't horrible you know.' I signed. A smile flickered across Silas face and he nodded.

"Obviously." He said.

'Obviously?' I asked.

"Well you seem to have grown up all right. You are a great fighter and your moral compass is better than mine." Silas said.

I thought back to how I had grown up. The more I thought about it the less I could think of Wolfsbane as even remotely moral. I considered the life I could have had if I hadn't been taken away from my parents or if they had found me after the wreckage of Devlin. I glanced at the scar that stretched the length of Silas arm. I couldn't imagine having to watch him suffer the loss of his mate like that.

"What are thinking about?" Silas asked.

'What-ifs' I signed with a shrug.

"What if...?" Silas asked.

'What if I had grown up here and if I would have been able to handle watching you go through the suffering, the morning of your mate.' I signed. Silas paused his massage and stared at my foot for a moment. He looked to be deep in thought. With a light smirk, he returned to rubbing my foot.

"You know if you had been returned I think I would have gotten in to a lot more trouble as a Teen." He shook his head. "Your middle name is Alisa, after my mother. She is your godmother so you would have been brought up with Cassy, Aaron, and I."

'So we'd be siblings?' I asked.

"No." Silas laughed. "My poor mother would have had no chance at keeping me away from you." Silas eyes darkened a little. "I'm sure it would have started as monster checks in the middle of the night, and then sneaking into each other's rooms for platonic cuddles. I'd probably still have gotten in trouble for fighting but it would've been with boys that thought they could tease you or just because they dared to like my girl. With our age difference, I'd probably have been an idiot and pulled away from you around 12-13. Failed miserably and started kissing you by 15... I would have had no chance."

I gaped at Silas odd picture of what our past together might have looked like. Some of it sounded right. It made my chest feel all tingly, especially the part about being his girl, but I knew he was missing a major part of that picture.

'You would have been in morning.'   

Silas shook his head.

"I would have struggled with everything that happened yes but I'm sure our secret cuddles would have been more therapeutic than Matthew was... Rylan..." Silas paused and sighed.

"I killed a lot of innocent people in that camp... I know you're not ready for all of the details yet but you should know...I was worse than Devlin himself after I thought they'd killed you. I had no mercy, no morals, and no will to live. It's a deadly combination."

'You were a child. You can't keep holding yourself responsible for everything they made you do.' I signed.

Silas shook his head but shifted so that we were both laying back on the couch.