Behind My Eyes

I Look Like A Bitch

I look like a bitch.

It's everywhere I go.
He never escapes me.
Where's ______? Where's ______?
I snap.
Quietly, playfully, mean.
I snap.
It doesn't matter.
I always come out as the one who has problems, the one who's strange.
I'm just so weird right? What wrong with me right?

How fucking fair is that?
Everywhere I go people ask me about him.
People who don't even know him for real at all, just ask me about him.
Like they love him so much for no reason.
I can't escape it.
At home he is a favorite.
He's my moms joy.
In my dads eyes his only.
So handsome to strangers.
And to everyone else who knows him, their desperation.
Where's _____? Where's _______?
Like can I not exist without him.
Every time.
Everyday.

Am I... am I not enough?
No, I'm never enough.
Why can't people just be content with me?
Why are they worried about someone they never really see anyways?
Well especially not with me.
For a fucking reason!
All the attention to him automatically.
So handsome, this question, that question.
Like I'm not there, not waiting patiently, watching.
In those moments I'm forced away.
It hurts.

I go on my phone and just randomly look at stuff like I'm actually doing something.
Like I'm preoccupied, to avoid my awkwardness, and embarrassment.
I've had it happen before.
People call other girls beautiful in front of my face.
It's so awkward and fucking rude.
You feel like trash, like you just can't be beautiful like the other girl?
Like we can't be both beautiful but only she is.
But that's just me right? Like how is it rude, be happy for your friend!
You can be happy and play whatever off but the other person knows it's fucked up and awkward, so does the friend.
When it happens to you....multiple times... that shit gets to you emotionally and mentally.

But with him it's all the time.
Like my self-esteem is turning to shit.
Every grown up , every kid, every person.
I never get no damn compliments.
It's too the point to where I search for them.
I never in my life have liked makeup.
But now I wear it, now it makes me feel feminine because I'm pretty with it now right?
I dress less comfortable and more like everyone else.
I'm cute now, where did I get my clothes?
But me alone, the real me inside... I'm not shit to no one am I?
Nope not even a little.

Am I just ugly?
Is there something wrong with me?
Is my personality just that different that people don't fuck with me for real?
Walk into the room as my real self.... can't even breath before asked about him.
Then when I get irritated, I'm a bad person.
I have problems.
Why do I hate my little brother so much?
I'm just weird.
That's your brother, what do you mean you don't know?
First of all, just because we live in the same mother fucking house hold he's the prince of, doesn't mean I keep tabs.
I'm in my room with the door shut, and he wherever he at.
Sometimes I mean yeah I do know, but maybe if I say i don't know rudely enough times, you'll get it in your head to stop fucking asking.

Haha, yeah right.
That's not what happens.
Nope I just get ridiculed with questions.
I wish I could ask mine back.
All the ones I keep inside when I hear someone mention him around me.
Then I'll look even worse.
There is no win in the situation.
The only win is if I bite my teeth until they fucking crack, smile with dry, white lips, hide the tears and redness in my eyes, swallow back my scream, and all answer their painful questions about him.

Then I become quiet.
Things become quiet, until I don't know how to act.
Everything of me is the opposite of him.
The talents I feel like I don't even have, the intelligence I feel like I don't really have, everything that makes me..me, flaunted to higher places sometimes, just so I feel special.
For me.
But there's no way I could act, dress, whatever.
I'm just not enough.
In comparison to everyone I'm always forgotten.
My friends included.
Everyone is better than me.
Everyone likes what I like more.

But then it comes to him it's a whole different jealousy.
One that travels everywhere no matter the group of people.
Until I become territorial, so that it doesn't.
When he's involved, he's the fucking pink sun rise, And I'm just a odd shaped cloud that drifted forgotten.
Why am I not enough?
For anyone?
In anything?
Why am I over looked, over shadowed and forgotten?
Why can't I just exist and be happy for a moment by myself!
The funny thing is I have actually asked a few times out of outrage in bluntness.
Why do you always ask me about him?
I snap.
But the funny thing is the answer of today.
7/3/19.
.....Because I love him.
Wow.

Man sometimes I just stop and wonder.
When I'm not around do people ask about me?
When people stare am I pretty?
When people actually compliment me do they mean it? Or do they see right through me and say it in hopes to make me feel better?
Because when I do get love and compliments and recognition for the real me... now I don't even believe it, it's awkward, I don't know how to act, it's close to uncomfortable because I'm not used to it.
I honestly feel like shit now at the thought of this poem.
The thought of people only even stopping because they might have read it and felt something.

I don't want it.
Pity love.
That's something that breaks my heart even worse.
Some pity love.
I want people to treat me right from the beginning.
To just be content with me cuz they genuinely care and love me as me to begin with.
Not cuz something wrong happened and I feel some sorta way.
I look around see every one else getting love, getting random.
Then why am I so alone and set apart.
In my own eyes I'm not receiving shit but fake promises.
Fake love.

I'm just really not enough huh?
My mom just tried to have a talk with me over this damn poem.
That's not true people ask about you to him.
Called him and what he say without knowing I was there.
Said no, his whole conversation was him saying that people don't ask about me too.
Like I didn't need my mom to call him.
People telling me what I already knew.

Where's ______? Where's ______?
But I have no right to be jealous of my little brother right? No reason to be upset.
No reason to be sad, angry, offended.

I guess I'm just a bitch.

It just be like that sometimes.
In a negative perspective.