Behind My Eyes

"Because He First Loved Me"

Somewhere along the line, I spilled my glass over the memories I held of you.
-Forgetting every single, happy thought of my childhood.
I wondered if you had any of me.... soon deciding that if you did, I wouldn't be ignored like this.
I wouldn't be leaking from inside out, feeling electrocuted from this severed connection that I caused.
I wouldn't be so fucking angry at every little thing.
Doubting myself over each obstacle;
Knowing that in the end it's because I don't have anyone to lean on.
Boasting pointlessly when around you, to prove that I can do things on my own- as I become more and more disconnected from the world, from reality... from you.
I can't.
Now and days, I find my thoughts evaded by the past that continues to haunt me, and break me further.
Weighting me here like shackles.
Building me backwards, in a high sense of loss.
I want to leave this place.
-Scared that if I do, I'll search the world and see nothing but the same hurt that i've been intoxicated by.
Splitting across oceans, only to find myself on the other side.
I hate myself, because you decided you didn't love me first.
How can I be worthy of anything?
How can I be happy?
How can I wish for a future, when all I see is blind hatred for every bitch that's in my way?
How can I cross my fingers, when all that's gotten me so far.... is emptiness?
Searching for pretty words to fill a void and disclose the pain i'm ashamed to show.
Knowing there's no one to understand or care.
They're all made to hurt me at this point.
It seems like everyones at a place I can't reach.
I'm mad at you for being so selfish.
I'm mad at God for making me to be so unloved by everyone who comes to "know me."
And I'm mad at myself, drowning, as the sins I didn't realize I had begin to catch up with me.
I'm really alone aren't I...
So tell me Lord, what's the plan here?
Am I made to suffer inside myself, or are you building me for release?
How selfish for you to break me, with the hopes that i'd turn into something more, something beautiful.
In this world of sin... you must be lonely too.
And so I'm here holding onto you with a hefty heart, loving you because you claimed it first.
Knowing that the only other person I have is myself.
And I do not trust her.