HELPLESSLY // MITCHEL CAVE

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"Ready?"Alexa stopped me in the hallway. I took a deep breath and nodded. She pat my shoulder and we kept going.

As we walked down the hallway I saw all the boys sitting outside the door. I suddenly became nervous to see them or even show my face after what I'd caused. I looked up at them, Clinton gave me a weak smile. "Hey."Jesse said.

"Hi."I said almost as quiet as a whisper. I went over and hugged everyone especially Clinton since it was his brother. He had tears in his eyes, I'm sure he'd already been crying.

"So I know I don't really have the right to ask this right now but, how is he?"I asked while staring at the ground. Clinton sighed and put his hand on my arm.

"We aren't mad at you. We know it isn't your fault, you wouldn't want him to do this. It wouldn't be fair of us to be upset with you. Mitchel just spirals like this when something happens. Anyway, he's ok. He's going to wake up soon. They'll be moving him out of the ICU as soon as he's awake."Clinton told me. I sighed in relief and gave him another hug.

"Okay. I'm still sorry. I'm a shitty person. Can I see him?"I asked. He nodded accepting the apology and told me I could go in. I swallowed hard, I wasn't ready to see him again. I don't know if I ever would be.

I opened the door and saw him laying on his back in the bed with his eyes closed. To my surprise they didn't have anything back his throat. That's not common for overdose. Maybe it wasn't super severe? He had an oxygen tube up his nose and tons of IV's in both his arms. His heartbeat was normal. But he was super pale.

I went over to the side of the bed and sat down in a chair. What if he wakes up while I'm in here? That would be worse for him. I've put him through hell. He's suffered for me. He's put me first. I'm so selfish and blind. What else do I want? I can't ask for much more. But god, it's only been five months.

Well, that's also almost half a year.
But still it's such a short amount of time. What if it's too fast? What if we get tired of each other?
Joey said I love you three months after you were dating and we had sex at five.
Well yeah but that's Joey. Mitchel is different.
Mitchel makes me feel better than Joey did.
Wait a minute what? No. That can't be possible.
I never got any of these feelings when Joey died. He felt like home yeah but so does Mitchel. Mitchel makes me feel even more relaxed and at home. He calms me down with one look. Joey never did that.
But I'd still be with Joey if he were alive, right?
Joey was destined to die. That doesn't matter. If he were alive you still could have met Mitchel. Alexa still would've been going to the Cassie video. You probably would've gone with her.
Yes but I would've been married by then too.
Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, everything happens for a reason. Mitchel is in your life for a reason. He loves you for a reason.
Fucking dammit I can't handle all this!

"Jesus Christ I don't know what to do!"I huffed out loud. I buried my head in my hands very quietly crying. The bright lights in the hospital room made it hard to relax.

I had to get out of here. I stood up and looked at Mitchel one more time. My heart wanted to just crawl into the bed with him and hold him and kiss him. But whether he be dead or alive, I couldn't. I touched his hand for a minute needing some sort of contact. Just one small touch made electricity shoot through my veins and butterflies appear in my stomach. "I'm sorry."I said before leaving the room. I had tears in my eyes when I got in the hallway.

"I-I have to go. I'm sorry. I'll see you guys soon. Alexa I'll Uber home." I quickly walked through the hallway before anyone could say anything.

"Guys he's awake!"I heard Pat say. That only made me cry harder. I collapsed on a bench outside and called an Uber.

What if I love him?