what you can't have (b.e.)

out of my league

A/N: srry this chapter is a little short, but i'm breaking one up into two otherwise it'd be super long (so i'll post the next one later today!)

inspo: out of my league, fitz and the tantrums

~

Forty days and forty nights, I waited for a girl like you to come and save my life...

Billie's POV:

I wake up and start to stretch out my arms when I look down and see Mila's head on my chest, her arms draped across my stomach. Trying not to move too much, I grab my phone and slide it open, cringing when I see Fin's texts asking me when we're gonna record together soon. I've been avoiding it for a while because songwriting always brings up pain and forces me to think about it over and over until we have something. And right now I've been so happy.

Eventually, Mila's eyes blink open and they travel around the room like she forgot where she is, until she looks up at me and doesn't break eye contact for a couple seconds. Waking up to someone feels so honest, at your most vulnerable point in the day, before you compose yourself and hide away bits and pieces of who you really are in front of others. But Mila makes it feel okay, like I'm not afraid of being myself, and that's becoming more and more rare for me these days.

Then she blushes and slowly pulls her arms into her chest and sits up, and we pretend like it's no big deal. Maybe it isn't? It's so hard to draw a line between what makes you friends and what makes you more than that when it's two girls.

"Sorry," she mutters while starting to climb off my bed to grab her backpack. I lunge to stop her and she looks a little startled. I run my tongue over my lips to keep them from drying up and tuck a piece of her hair behind her ear.

"You don't have to apologize."

Mila averts her gaze and then jumps up, unzipping her backpack and rifling through it. She curses and sighs, looking at me with wide eyes like she needs something but doesn't want to ask.

"We were rushing so fast last night my dumbass didn't pack a shirt," she says in a defeated tone, but I run to my closet grinning. I toss her a sweatshirt and she looks relieved until she puts it on.

"Dude, is this like size a million?" she laughs, flapping the long sleeves that run over the length of her arms. I just smirk back at her and shrug but she looks determined to not care, and folds the sleeves until they fit.

"Do you want breakfast?" I ask, feeling a little awkward that we seem to be talking about everything else except the way we slept. Maybe it really doesn't matter.

"Oh, we're gonna be late, I'm okay," Mila turns around and throws her backpack over her shoulders, like she's avoiding me or something. She picks up her skateboard and starts walking out the door but I'm not even close to ready, plus I always show up a second before the bell rings.

"Dude, slow down--"

I reach to grab her arm but she keeps walking and calls out an excuse half-way out the door.

"I'm going to check on Jennifer before school, see you at lunch or something."

Or something.

I sigh and catch my mom's eye, the way she's looking at me makes me feel like she knows how I feel better than I do. I roll my eyes and walk back to my room, hating the way it feels like it's missing something without her in it.

~

billieeilish: hey

billieeilish: yo

billieeilish: dude is everything good?

I sit in the back corner of the cafeteria, checking my phone volume like maybe I just didn't hear her message me back. But every time I do, it's on full volume and I feel more and more pathetic. I worry that Jennifer told her everything I said on the phone to her, but keep texting because maybe nothing's wrong and I'm overthinking again. I almost jump out of my chair when my phone buzzes.

mila.gray: where r u

I look up and wave at her, laughing as she rides her skateboard through the aisles until she gets to my table. She slams her bag against the tabletop and rests her head in her hands when she slides into the seat across from me.

"She wouldn't even come to the door, said she wasn't coming to school today, then told me I'd be fine and to hang out with my new best friend," Mila rants, pulling out an apple only to twirl it in her hand and not take a bite.

"Oh, what are you gonna do?" I ask, wanting to trash Jennifer but also not wanting to get involved and fuck things up.

"Hang out with my new best friend," she grins, nudging my hand until it feels okay for me to smile too.

"Oh, who's that?" I tease and she spins around and nods at one of the popular girls whose name I don't even care to know, to be honest.

"Her, obviously."

"Does someone have a crush?" I grin, until I realize what I said and so does she. Mila blushes, and I twist the chains around my neck. We never really talked about her sexuality because if I bring it up it's almost like it puts tension between us for some reason.

"She's not my type," Mila finally responds, taking me by surprise. I lean over the table and prop my head up with my hand underneath my chin.

"So who is your type then?" I pry, the words come out breathlessly, like I'm scared to hear the answer. A part of me wants her to say 'you' but that's irrelevant because I'm not into girls like that.

"Billie! There you are!"

We both flinch away like we're caught doing something bad, and Mila turns around and stares down the same three girls that have been following me everywhere like low-key stalkers.

"Sup," I say casually, feeling uncomfortable but I hide behind a resting bitch face.

"There's a party tonight, you definitely wanna be there," the girl behind her chips in and they slide me a slip of paper with an address. I just shrug and they wait for me to say something like 'omg yes of course!'  but I stay silent until they wave and walk away.

"Was that uncomfortable as fuck for you too?" Mila asks and I nod, slipping her the piece of paper. She scoffs and starts to crumple it up until I grab it out of her hands. A look of surprise and almost betrayal crosses her face, waiting for an explanation.

"It could get interesting," I offer, and she looks skeptical at first, but I wink at her as the bell rings. We stand up and walk next to each other, but I can't walk in a straight line and keep accidentally brushing up against her arm.

"Fine, but promise you won't leave me alone because you're all I have," she makes me agree and I say yes within a heartbeat. She's all I have too, which is scary but incredible at the same time. Mila tosses her apple in the trash and I frown, watching her, but shrug it off when she loops her arm over my shoulder and whispers:

"I'm so glad I accidentally called you a bitch to your face."

I scrunch up my face and pretend to be mad, but can't hold back a grin, especially when she drops her arm to wrap her hand around mine.

"Me too."

And everytime she takes my hand, all the wonders that remain become a simple fact.