what you can't have (b.e.)

you and jennifer

A/N: y'all have NO idea how long i've been waiting to use this song

inspo: you and jennifer, bülow

~

You don't know what that's like though, to wait up all night, to sleep with one eye closed...

Billie's POV:

I check the time for the third time in the past five minutes, wondering when Mila's coming back, or if she even is at all. I hate the feeling of being under someone else's thumb, of my emotions revolving around her actions, trapped in an endless orbit. I keep waiting for her to either finally crash into me or for something to knock me out of this path. Either would be better than the waiting and confusion.

Mila told me that I have her, but it feels like a sick fucking joke now. And I know that I'm partly to blame, but she can't really fault me for not wanting to spill our relationship to Maddie. I'm not ashamed, I just want to keep at least one thing in my life private to avoid more judgement than I already get.

I wish she would give me the chance to explain that to her, because I bet Jennifer's with her, telling Mila I'm a bad idea, that I'm another straight girl playing an experimental game. God, I really tried not to, but I fucking hate her.

My phone chimes and I reach for it immediately, seeing a message from Mila. My thumb hovers over her contact name, unsure. What if I just pulled myself out of this before it becomes any more painful?

But I can't do that. Not without trying.

mila: can u let me in

I climb off my bed and walk out to the front door, undoing the deadbolt and opening it a few inches. I lock eyes with her, and she gives me a small smile that either says 'i'm sorry' or 'i'm here because i don't have anywhere else to be.'

I push open the door a little wider, then turn right around and walk towards my room. If she wants to follow, she can. I hear her footsteps behind me and hate myself for the smile spreading over my lips. It's not like I want to be mad, but I want to be mad.

"Billie, we should talk," Mila whispers before shutting my door and sitting next to me on my bed. I play it cool, staring down at my nails, and I roll my eyes.

"So? Talk then."

Her lips bend down in a tiny frown for only a second, then she goes back to staring at me intently. I can feel myself start to crumble with just one look.

"I'm sorry for blowing you off... I just, it hurt hearing you say that when last night I basically spilled my guts to you. It seemed right then like you didn't care, and I've been played by girls before almost exactly like this..." she rambles on, then looks at me to cut her off, eventually stopping halfway through. I sigh loudly, then lift my chin and hold her gaze for a few solid seconds. I can't stay mad.

I break the space between us and lay my head in her lap, and we both fight smiles until caving in and laughing a little.

"I don't need another thing for Maddie to have over me, but if you want to be open about it, I'll do it," I compromise, and Mila laces her fingers between mine, lightly spinning our intertwined hands back and forth while she thinks it over.

"Nah, fuck that bitch. We don't have to prove this is real and valid to anyone," Mila decides, and my heart flutters at her words. She tilts her head down and runs her fingers through my hair, and even though I know I should tell her how I feel about her and Jennifer, I don't want to break something fragile enough as it is.

"Prove it to me," I whisper, and sit up on my elbows so I'm a couple inches away from her lips. She scrunches up her nose and dimples light up on her flushed cheeks. Mila throws a leg over me and grabs the collar of my shirt, pulling me up the rest of the way to kiss her soft and nice. I lean my head back into her hands cupped around my neck and push my hands through her hair. She sets my head back on the pillow and slides her hands around my waist, pulling me into her chest, and I lay there for what feels like hours, until closing my eyes and feeling whole again.