what you can't have (b.e.)

NEW MAGIC WAND (1)

inspo: NEW MAGIC WAND, tyler, the creator

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Sometimes you gotta close a door to open a window...

Mila's POV:

Billie walks next to me, clinging onto my arm with both of hers. She shields her hair, a dead giveaway, and hides behind my shoulder.

"I'm so nervous," Billie whispers in my ear, walking down the aisles. Every move she makes, she checks behind her. I struggle to push the cart forward and drag Billie along with me. She sees food and then yanks me to the side, still holding on, as she quickly grabs it, throws it in the cart, and hides behind me again.

"I could do this alone if you want--" I start to say but she glares and I stop.

"I don't wanna be alone unless it's with you, though," she looks down and I blush. When we round the aisle, she sees something and her eyes light up like they do whenever she gets an idea. Her nails dig into my arm and she pulls me forward, running as she snatches something and holds it up.

"Are you seeing this?"

I just wait for her to explain but she nudges me.

"Carrots?"

Billie laughs, a little too loud, then she pulls her hood a little tighter and coughs, then meets my eyes again.

"No, earrings!"

I just look at her, not getting it, and she drags me all throughout the store, putting more things in the cart until I'm too confused to try and understand.

We sit in her car when an hour later she gets tired, and I sit in the passenger seat, watching her try to stab a carrot and make it into jewelry. Billie flips down the mirror and concentrates like it's life or death. When she's done, she turns her head to the side, grinning, and I try not to laugh.

"Do you see it now, do you fucking see it, Mila?" Billie emphasizes and I can't tell if she's serious or not so I look away and can't hold it in anymore, laughing as she glares at me and pulls out her phone, aiming it towards me.

"STOP MAKING FUN OF ME!"

I pull myself together and lunge across the seat to watch her post a blurry picture of me to her instagram story. We lock eyes, sharing the same fear, but we don't really say anything about it. On the way back, stuck in traffic, Billie blasts her playlist and we scream with the windows down, getting glared at by cars on both sides.

I saw a photo, you looked joyous, my eyes are green, I eat my veggies...

When we get back, finally dropping off all the bags, I start to take off my shoes at the door and freeze. I look at a pair of boots that I know aren't mine. I know Billie, I know they aren't hers. I lean against the back of the front door, closing it. All the air in the apartment slips out and I pinch my arm, telling myself to breathe. I know that I panic over little things and blow them up, I can't walk up the steps alone without checking behind my back every other second. I can't sleep in the dark, can't be in too tight of a space. But it doesn't feel safe right now.

"Billie?" I call out, not moving from the door. I don't hear a response but I can't move, and I yell her name louder.

"MILA IT'S STUCK IN MY EAR!" Billie calls back and I breathe out, a little bit more relaxed, but I don't know how to react, what to do. If someone's really here, I can't act like I know, but I can't leave her here.

I pull out my phone and shakily type in 9-1-1. I stop and realize what would happen, cops would cause more harm than good, and when do they ever really help without making it worse first? After the basement, it was Billie that found me.