what you can't have (b.e.)

dog days are over

A/N: y'all not ready

inspo: dog dars are over, florence + the machine

~

Happiness hit her like a train on a track...

Billie's POV:

I tape over cracks in cardboard boxes, kneeling on the floor, trying to fit all my shoes away. I find scraps of paper with drawings, dreams, and song ideas under my bed, crumpled up. Mila's in the shower as I finally finish packing, and I just stand and slowly spin in a circle at the half-empty room I've lived in forever.

The truth is, this place stopped feeling safe a long time ago. This room stopped being a happy place as soon as I turned 13. Sometimes it was okay, but most of the time it wasn't. I'm afraid to leave it, I want to hide inside the closet with the lights off and stay here forever.

But I can't. You leave, you move on, you get better.

I stare at empty shoe racks and grin so hard I think I'm losing my mind. I laugh all by myself in an empty room, and I cover my mouth to try and stop it, but I can't. I'm so happy, because I've grown up and I know I'll be okay. I know I'm not gonna die by my own hand now, and I wanna run into the kitchen and tell my whole word 'i'm okay!'

It's a feeling that hits me so suddenly I wonder when it's gonna disappear. I almost don't want to even feel happiness, it's not secure to me. It feels unsafe, unsure, like anything could shatter it. I think I know how to be happy, but I don't know how I'll feel when something goes wrong. It's almost better to me to feel depressed, because at least it's a constant feeling, something I'm used to by now. Almost, I won't let my brain win again.

Coming towards her, stuck, still no turning back...

~

Mila's POV:

I leave the shower running as I get out, trying to muffle out the sound of crying. I should be thinking happy thoughts about the future, but there's one thing, one person, holding me back. I could move and forget them, but if I did that, I'd never not feel anxious at sudden movements and raised voices.

I turn off the water and put on fresh clothes, hoping the water dripping down the front parts of my hair will hide the tear stains. I'll worry later when we're on the road.

I walk back into Billie's room to her laughing, laying on the floor with her hands on her stomach.

"Are you okay?" I run to her, turning her over. She stops laughing for a second and then pokes my chin.

"I'm just happy."

"Me too," I smile, hoping it's believable. No, of course it is, I'm not faking this. I feel okay, but I wish I could jump up to her level of happiness without drugs to give me a boost. Billie sits up and looks at me with her jaw dropped.

"We're actually doing this, Mila," she gushes and I wrap my arms around her and slip my head on her shoulder.

"We really are."

Thirty minutes later, the moving truck left and we pack things we need in Billie's car. She grabs my hand to bring me back inside to say goodbye to her family, but I shake my head.

"Oh, no, it's okay, I'll just wait here, it's your goodbye, not mine," I explain and Billie frowns. She opens her mouth to convince me, but stops.

"You sure?" she holds both my hands and I nod and she turns around and runs back into the house.

I get in the passenger seat and cry for thirty seconds, constantly looking to the door to make sure she's still inside. I pinch my thighs and force myself to stop and breathe.