what you can't have (b.e.)

wanted u

inspo: WANTED U, joji

~

Here I am, torn into a thousand shapes and folds...

Mila's POV:

This was a bad idea. I'm so fucked up.

I'm right back at the beginning, standing outside her house. Chased her miles here on a bus, haven't slept in a day. I can't let that five minute fight destroy everything. I should've followed Billie down the steps but that was when I still had a shred of pride left. Now I have nothing in general left. I'll do anything, say anything to fix this, even if I don't mean it. I can't be alone anymore.

I throw a stone at Billie's window. When there's no answer I just start climbing the wall and try to pull up the window, but two hands yank it up first before I can, and I fall inside her room. I pretend not to feel the pain in my stomach as I look up to Billie standing over me. I don't react at first, then try to smile. She starts to smile too, slowly, until she cracks up laughing. I almost start to laugh too, but then she stops halfway through, and her eyes die, showing me she was faking it.

"You always show up when it's too late, don't you?" Billie scoffs and turns around. I forget whatever plan I had in my head of the things I'd say, and I stand up, turning her back around.

"Do you really think that you of all people can say that to me after you--"

"Oh, here it comes," Billie rolls her eyes, arms crossed while I still keep my fingers crossed this will work itself out.

"Listen, I didn't come here to finish a fight, I came to fix this," I don't take the bait to fight, but it's so hard. Billie doesn't soften up, she pushes my chest back with one finger.

"You really don't know how to walk away and let something die, do you?" she spits out and I just can't.

"No, but you do. You literally left me to die. And then, months later, you swoop in with your cape and savior complex--" I'm not done but Billie doesn't let me finish.

"OR maybe, just maybe, I have to be the hero cause you're always locked in some fucking tower or waiting for some true loves kiss to wake you up from the drugs or the starvation or whatever the fuck else you do to hurt yourself just to feel something! You wanna know my question, Mila?" Billie comes back at me and I try to let her just say what she needs to say.

"What."

"Why am I never enough? You act like you're so in love with me but then you cheat on me and run away and get high and make me force you to eat a piece of fucking toast. I could go on, and on, and on, Mila. There's always something else," she pauses, almost looks sad for a second. "It could never just be me," Billie ties it off.

"Cause you would love that wouldn't you? If my entire world revolved solely around you. Well, WAKE UP BILLIE! It already fucking does. You don't get to just walk away and leave me with nothing when you have everything you could ever fucking want. I-I haven't been to school in who knows how long because time doesn't even exist anymore. I won't even graduate," I let everything I say sink in, what I've been avoiding forever.

"I got nothing. And you got everything," I whisper.

"Mila, that's not true," Billie looks at me with pity, tries to touch my arm, and I hate it. I hate myself for this, but I actively hate her. I love her so much and that will never change, but right now, I just wish she'd actually listen to the truth instead of denying it because she can't deal with it.

"But it is! And you can hate me for the eating disorder and the drugs and the leaving and whatever the fuck else, but you want an answer? Why you aren't enough? Because I'm terrified. Knowing that I made my life all about you. And that's on me, I get it, I had a choice, and I chose you. But every time shit goes wrong, you have everything to fall back on, and I'm left with nothing. No family, no friends, no home. Nothing," my voice cracks. I feel even more terrified, letting her really know. Because if she still doesn't get it, I don't know how she'll ever get me.