what you can't have (b.e.)

star shopping

a/n: I've never met Billie but I miss her

oh also I made a lil mood board for this book on pinterest:

https://pin.it/4vI4xS5

inspo: star shopping, lil peep

~

Wait right here, I'll be back in the mornin'

Billie's POV:

"Where are you going?" I watch Mila get up after a while of us laying in silence, staring up at the ceiling, both of us just thinking. It felt lonely because I was thinking of her even though she was right next to me. All I could think was how different it feels when she's beside me but her head's not on my shoulder, her hand's not in mine. She's close but far away, here but not really here. It makes me wonder if I should even be here. Like I could walk out of the door and she wouldn't even blink.

"To sleep," she mumbles, rubbing under her eyes with the sleeves of her sweater. I want to get up and wrap her up in my hoodie but I don't know if that hurts or helps. But everything with her is like routine, and I start to follow her to her room, watching her back. She stops and doesn't even turn around, finishing a sentence I didn't realize wasn't over.

"Like... alone."

"Oh," I whisper and she keeps walking, almost completely shutting her door, but leaving it a few inches open. It's like she's telling me she wants me to follow but out loud pushing me away. I wait for a few seconds, if she did this two months ago I know she'd come back out with a smile, say 'got ya,' and pull me back in.

But it's not two months or three months or even four months ago. It's now, it's reality, and I never knew that every second I breathe feels like it should be my last.

Mila's POV:

I know that I'm not that important to you, but to me, girl, you're so much more than gorgeous...

"Like... alone," I hate the way the words sound. I hate that I feel like I have to say them. It's like I'm putting so much effort into trying to do the right thing, but nothing's ever completely right. No matter what I do, someone's gonna be hurting. And it looks like to her that I don't care, like this is easy, but I can only breathe okay if she's not next to me.

I don't even know why but it's like since the hospital every single thing needs a trigger warning. And Billie's my biggest trigger. She makes me feel like I'm stuck in a flashback, and sometimes it's a good feeling, but sometimes it's like the nightmare that never ends.

I still can't turn off the lights when I fall asleep. I turn over in bed and the first thing I see is the hospital bracelet, cut in half, on my nightstand. The world's narrowed emotions down into broad categories: happy, sad, angry... But to me, they branch out and keep spreading, and I can close my eyes and name the same feeling I had that day, even if it's just labeled as 'sad,' it's so specific in my head.

I swallow all of them and lean back and look up at the sky, a shade of blue. I pretend that it's purple. The clouds swoop down and swallow me whole.

It terrifies me more than anything to be able to feel it all over again. I guess that's why they call it 'suicidal,' cause one minute you're laying in bed, and the next you're opening up your window and measuring the distance down to the ground.

I jump out of bed and fling open the door and run back to the living room.

"Billie?"

I swerve in a circle and can't find her anywhere. Until I see she left the front door open just a crack, just like I left my room door open. It's like all we can do is leave each other clues instead of speak out loud.

~

Billie's POV:

Right now I know that I'm not really worth it, if you give me time I could work on it...

I lean my head over the ledge of the rooftop, then grip the rail and lean backward, my hair draping down my back. If I don't blink, my eyes start to water and the stars blur into silver glares, all connected to each other. Like they're so far away from each other but never really alone.

But I feel so alone. Not in a way that would make me act out or do something dramatic. Just in a passive way. Because all I can do is accept the times and hope they get better. But I don't even know that. I could be hanging onto nothing, putting all my time and thought into a person who could be gone in a week or a year.

I look back at the city below me again and just rest my head on the ledge, somehow it feels more comfortable than being in Mila's living room. Somehow I feel less alone out here, like maybe someone driving by is playing one of my songs. I forget how connected I am to people I don't even know. I don't really picture them as fans, but like friends I just haven't met yet.

And it makes me feel better. When I only focused on those comments, it felt like nobody cared if I died. They're all out there on the internet, saying things about me, behind a wall, and I want to press my ear up against it, because I know I'd hear some good things. But if I get too close I'll hear my worst insecurities thrown in my face, and I haven't found a way to brush it off yet.

I turn around and stare at the stars again, even though you can't really see behind all the pollution. I still know that they're there. I know my fans are there even if I can't see them. And I just wanna take everything that's happened and make an album just to turn things that feel horrible into art. I wouldn't even need to say it's about me, I could just let everything out and let people make their own ideas. I start to really smile again, to feel alive again.

"Billie, don't!" I hear a scream and flinch. Mila comes running out the door to the rooftop, her hair frazzled and she's breathing heavy. She starts to run closer, then stops, like she doesn't want to scare me into jumping, which I wasn't even going to do.

I slowly walk towards her, holding up my hands a little. She stays frozen, holding her breath, and as I get closer I see her not blinking, lips trembling. When I'm right in front of her, I just stand there, because I don't know what's okay to do anymore.

She falls into my chest, limp, and I hold her the way I've wanted to for weeks, since I found out she was in the hospital too. I feel her start to warm up, her breathing start to calm down, and she wipes her tears with my hoodie.

"Sorry if I scared you," I whisper into her ear, running my hand through her hair slowly because I know it calms her down. Mila shivers and pulls away a little, and I start to feel let down but she looks me in the eyes.

"I don't wanna sleep alone," she starts to cry again and I grab both her hands and kiss the back of them. I don't care anymore.

"You never have to."

Look at the sky tonight, all of the stars have a reason...