what you can't have (b.e.)

ribs

A/N: i finally am using the best song ever made for a chapter... this is the peak (also i promise this isn't a sad chapter just keep readingg)

inspo: RIBS, the lorde

~

This dream isn't feeling sweet...

Billie's POV:

I drift out of sleep and lean over the hotel bed to check the time on my phone. Halfway-through the motion, I realize what just happened. I look down and there's no body underneath mine, Mila's spot is empty. Panicking before I can even process my surroundings, I check the time: 12:20 a.m. She should be here--there's nowhere else she should be.

And then I can't move. And then I automatically assume the worst, building up stories in my head. Mila found the perfect time to leave without a goodbye, for real this time. In the middle of the night makes it hurt that much more, because people always say the best way to die is in your sleep. And that's what it feels like, waking up next to nothing, like I'm watching my own death.

I roll off the bed, barely able to open my eyes from the leftover mascara clumping up and my tears attempting to wash it all out. I reach for my backpack and pull out my notebook, and it takes everything in me to pull myself back up onto the bed, reaching over the empty space. But I still go back to my spot, because laying in hers feels wrong.

I get stuck on the thought of sleep, death, disappearing. I write one sentence, one question:

When we all fall asleep, where do we go?

I lay awake, staring at the ceiling, the pillowcase stains with tinted-black mascara tears. All I can think is three words, and not I love you, because those words don't hold the amount of power I thought they did, not anymore. I write them once: you always leave.

But they don't fit right, and I cross them out, rewriting it over and over. Why do you always leave me? You never stay. You always leave me here. You're always missing.

I cross each one out again and again, now the tears turn into frustrated ones. I can't even write how she makes me feel. I feel nothing, but everything at the same time. Nothing. Everything. Wait--nothing...

I flip the page and write straight across in scratchy black letters:

Nothing ever stops you leaving.

I write it again and again, over the top of the sentence before, further and further to the right, then back over to the left. Rubbing my eyes, watery-black tears roll down my palm, and when I grip the page, bleed through the thin paper. I can't think about it anymore; I shut the notebook.

Just as I start to look up, I see a shadow on the carpet, and feel too scared to lift my head. Fingers slide under my jaw and tilt my head up, I know it's her because I feel her touch everywhere.

"Why are you crying?" Mila frowns down at me, one earbud hanging out, the white cord draped around her like a broken necklace.

"You--- I woke up and you were gone--- I thought--" I can't finish the sentence and I break down in her arms. She squeezes me so tight it feels real and human and I know I'm not hallucinating.

"Baby, I'm so sorry, I just--- I don't know. I can't really sleep anymore, since... I don't like the dark. I was sitting in the lobby just to, I don't know, see. It's fucking stupid, I know--"

"No, it's not. I'm sorry, I wish you would've told me this. We can sleep with the lights on," I promise her, feeling my tears start to dry. Mila smiles down at me and rubs her thumbs under my eyes.