As soon as I see Billie sit down at our usual table at lunch, I rush to sit down across from her. She sees me coming and rolls her eyes, pulling out her phone and pretending to be intently focused on it. I slide into the chair and clear my throat, reaching over the table to grab her hand.
"Billie, just listen," I plead, and she snaps her hand out of my grasp, but doesn't move to get up.
"I fucking saw you kiss her and hold her fucking hand, what is there to explain? You fucked up, accept it. Move on," Billie harshly retaliates, not looking up from her phone.
"I do but I just--"
"You just what?" she interrupts, throwing her phone down on the table and crossing her palms, leaning her chin on top of them. She stares straight into me, making me so nauseous I almost wish she didn't look up. I decide to dive right into it and not waste time because I don't know how much she's willing to give me.
"She said it'd be easier with her, so I thought, just for a minute... maybe. Maybe it would be better, but I felt nothing. I just want you," I confess, cringing internally as her face scrunches up when I say 'maybe.' I never wanted to make her feel like she wasn't enough, because she's everything I could ever need.
"You're right. This isn't easy. Maybe that's not a good thing."
"But--"
"No. You spent all this time painting me as the bad guy, like I was gonna fuck around and hurt you, but guess what? You're the one that hurt me," Billie pauses, sucking in a breath, looking down at the table. "You really fucking hurt me, Mila. But it's okay."
"It-- it is?" I cautiously ask, not sure what she means by that.
"Yeah, it's okay because I'm not gonna let you do it again. I don't believe in handing out second chances, they only say what happened was forgiven, and it's not. I don't forgive you. I never will," Billie turns the tables, crushing what little hopes I had left at salvaging our relationship. But if I just roll over and let her walk away, I'd never forgive myself.
"Billie, can't you see I'm fucking sorry?" I raise my voice, feeling my nails dig into my thighs. She tilts her head to the side and stares me down, not blinking.
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"If you're sorry that means you know you shouldn't have done it. But you did," she shrugs like it's nothing, like she's already over it and there's nothing I could ever say to make a difference. She gets under my skin, acting like it was all for nothing, like we were both perfect until I messed it up.
"Like you haven't fucking done a single thing wrong!" I hiss, throwing her glare right back at her. I got so soft with her, I let her knock down my walls and give people chances. I never wanted this, never wanted to be anything to her, because I knew something would have to give eventually. And even though I'm the one who fucked up, after Jennifer kissed me I told her it was a mistake, that Billie was the one. Then I walked around for hours feeling horrible and wondering how I was going to tell her, and she threw my bag in my face and didn't give me any room for an explanation. Almost like she wanted any reason to walk away.
