what you can't have (b.e.)

my future

A/N: i really have no words

~

I can't seem to focus, and you don't seem to notice, I'm not here...

Billie's POV:

"Mila wait!" I yell, stepping out of the elevator. I walk towards her door but Mila stands in the way.

"Can we just talk? Just one conversation, that's all I'm asking for, we can go in there or my car or..." my voice trickles down to nothing as I watch her keep shaking her head.

"Please, just meet me halfway here," I resort to begging. Mila refuses to speak, her hands shake opening her door, and I reach out, hand wrapping around her waist. Mila flinches, spine straightening out, and her hands shove me backward. I trip back and in a second she's gone inside and shut me out.

"Mila, I can't just walk away."

"You already did," Mila whispers through the door. I lean my head against the door, my hand slides down the door and falls limp at my side.

"I mean, you have too, so many times, isn't this just what we do?" I offer up pathetically. I know after I say them that those weren't the right words, but I'm never really sure.

"Just go away, Billie."

"Mila, this is fucking stupid," I sigh.

"I know," her words take me aback. I didn't think she'd agree. I get a bit of hope, and it scares me, because if I don't tread carefully, I could fuck everything up.

"You probably want answers so just let me in so we can--"

"No," she interrupts and I grow frustrated. I tell myself, don't do it Billie, just be patient.

"Alright then, I'm just gonna keep talking through this door then," I tilt my head to the side, and start to smile when the door opens up again.

"Billie, I mean it, go away. I'm not saying leave when I really mean please stay and beg. I'm saying nothing you could do or say would ever make this better. And seeing you come back like it was so easy, like I was just that thing you had to do that you kept pushing towards the bottom of your list, it hurts more than you leaving. If you really wanted to leave, then you wouldn't come back," Mila starts to shoot me down, but I open up my mouth to cut in. Her eyes narrow and my jaw snaps shut and I wait for her to finish.

"You had the chance to walk away from everything, it was your get out of jail free card, and you took it. You fucking took it. So don't come back. Don't rub it in that you can walk in and out of my life whenever you feel like it. Because I'm not doing that anymore," Mila finishes, and starts to close the door again.

"I know, just let me say--"

"No," she repeats and I can't keep it back anymore.

"I NEVER LEFT!" I scream. Mila stops moving, her eyes focused on the ground.

"What?" she whispers.

I'm just a mirror, you check your complexion to find your reflection's all alone...

"I have a place really close to here and I've been just checking up on you every day and I wanted so bad so many times to get out and talk to you, but I was so scared. But I'm here now, I've always been here, but I'm really here now," I admit, starting to smile. Like, maybe, she'll see. I never really left, I was here and I was trying even if it felt like I was so far gone.

"You aren't God Billie. You don't get to create messes and then passively watch over them from your throne. And you don't get to fucking come back like nothing's changed and hit me with that 'everything happens for a reason,' bullshit. You sit up there on piles of money and you don't listen to prayers and you don't send signs. You don't make things better when you have the power to fix everything," Mila's chin trembles, her arms crossed. I see the outline of her bandage through her shirt and have to look away.