Broken Vows

Chapter Twenty Three

Yufa

"Are you sure you wanted to go home?" Arriane sat beside me, face laced with utter worries as she examined my bandaged forehead.

My bruises healed faster thanks to Martha's homemade ointments. The other small bruises were completely gone while the bigger ones still had ugly purplish circles in them that probably hit the stairs hard. Everything outside was healing faster, but the wounds my heart bore will never heal. The betrayal, the unfortunate failure on finding love and most especially the loss of my child, the child I will never come to know has scribbled their own spots in my heart. Each had taken bits and pieces of my heart greedily. My chest felt hollow, as if someone had  shoveled most that is left in it.

"The smell of antiseptics is driving me nuts." I smiled weakly. "I wanna go home."

I'm already dressed by the time Martha came in and told us that the car was ready to take me home. To where my nightmare had began. Arriane didn't understood my decision to go home. There was this uncertainty hidden behing her concerned eyes that struggled to form words but failed miserably. She must have known the truth by now but never dared to breathe a word about it. Perhaps, she was too afraid to open up to me knowing everything is still painful to me or it's a sibling thing that makes her feel guilty over what Nathan had done. But whatever the reason behind it, it's her's to keep.

Arriane and Martga helped me into the wheelchair. My knees was doings fine but they insisted to have use it in case I'd faint or whatever lies in the future. I'm too weak for an argument so I gladly accepted their help.

Part of me wanted to stay in this white room, hide away from the rest of the world, curl into a ball and refuse to see anyone. It's true that the smell of antiseptics we're driving me nuts, I can't stand the smell of it that's why I wanted to go home. I know by the time I step into that house is like opening the wounds wider than before.

Martha gave me the bundle of my bloodied clothes from that fateful night, carefully wrapped in white silk. It's the only remnants of my child that had passed too early. I clutched it tightly against my chest like all mothers do to her newborn child. It's the least I can do after failing to protect him.

I wanted to cry. Badly. But tears never came, nor did it stung the corners of my eyes. The only part of me who was truly hurting and crying was my heart. Inside, it was screaming to release the grief it felt but tears left me alone. I never talked too much, I just found myself staring into the white walls, the tiled floor or the spotless ceiling. The only time that I cried was when they broke the news to me. Nathan didn't show up either since that day.

I asked both the women that caref for me to keep this secret. No one in either of our families, save for Arriane knows about my pregnancy or even my miscarriage. It would be unfair to them if we tell them now when there's no more grandchild to expect too. I  can already imagine the pain it would bring them knowing the poor child didn't have a chance in life. They respected my decision, for which I was beyond thankful.

The ride back home was neither short or long. I wasn't even paying attention. I kept my gaze downcast looking at my fingers playing among themselves in my lap where the silken bundle sat. Thinking particularly about nothing, my mimd is practically blank. I never dared to think about what's going to happen because honestly I don't know where to start. The mere thought of stepping into that house scares the hell out of me. I admit I'm afraid to recall all of the bitter moments I had in there, not even how I lost my child. I'm too afraid I would break myself completely.

I am weak. I am a coward and horribly stupid. I regret everything I did that fateful night. If only I didn't came after him and settled for what's important which was my child obviously, I wouldn't be here dreading on what's goimg to happen. If I wasn't too selfish thinking about my own life, I would still feel him thriving in my womb. If only I wasn't stupid enough to go after a drunk man and his drunken threats then maybe everything is still fine now. If only I was better than my old self then maybe my son could still have the chance in life. The guilt and fear are choking me right now.

The car pulled into a complete stop. I glanced outside and saw the all-too familiar garden that Martha and I tended to every morning. The very the same garden where Miranda rolled several times before saying her final words. I didn't want to recall them too and I refuse to even play those words inside my mind. Arriane helped me out of the car, offering her hands for support. I was glad she was there to support me. If not then surely my knees would give in. They were shaking and felt as if I'm walking in some others toes. I couldn't feel them anymore.

As the stairs came into view, all the memories poured back into my head. I even saw the scene like it is happening right here and now. I could see the hatred in Nathan's voice, his purposely heavy steps going upstairs, the stupid pregnany woman coming after him. Gods! It's all too much now. But somewhere between those images was the betrayal and Nathan's unfaithfulness. The image of him kissing Miranda torridly and their sinful cuddles on the sofa that held all my memories of waiting for him had covered the whole scene. Another emotion bubbled inside me, burning away all my guilt and dread. It was replaced another emotion which only could be put as hatred. Hatred towards the people that ruined me. The very people that killed that old Yufa who did nothing but love and hope for a family she desperately wanted to have. It all give way to another purpose which she deserved. All is enough.

It's time to be free.

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A/n

Let's see the new Yufa, altogether!

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---Maiah.😊