Polygraph Eyes // Yungblud

28: "Hope For The Underated Youth"

Trigger Warning: suicide attempt

I can feel my body slowly deteriorating. My fingers aren't moving like they're supposed to, my arms are starting to feel numb as well. Maybe my body is finally giving up on me. God, I sure wish it was that. It's probably the fact that I haven't been to my psychical therapy sessions in two weeks. I've been hiding it from Dom pretty well actually. He hasn't been home much lately, always telling me he's going with the boys. I don't mind, I started taking up drinking as a hobby to pass the time. By the time he returns home from his days out, I'm passed out in our bed. If he saw me like this he'd be so disappointed, but it numbs the pain I'm feeling inside. Mixing my medication with booze isn't the ideal way to get better, but The alcohol runs through my veins so smoothly and takes reality away for awhile.

I drunkenly stumbled into the kitchen to rinse out my cup so Dom wouldn't know. I sauntered down the hall and into our bedroom, only to immediately pass out on the lumpy mattress. What's happening to me?

***
Dominics Point of View

"I don't know what to do anymore" I let my head fall into my hands, "I thought this would be easy, but it's really taking a toll on both of us."

"How so?" Adam sat on the other side of the room tuning his guitar. He sat in a criss cross position on the leather couch and peaked up to meet my gaze every once in awhile.

"It's just... she's been moody lately and I'm fucking tired of fighting," I picked at my cuticles "I've been so close to leaving the past couple of time. Adam stopped tuning his guitar suddenly and looked dead cold in my eyes.

"You're an idiot." He said blatantly while frowning. I was caught off guard by his remark. We always joke around and call each other names, but I could tell he was being serious. I confusingly blinked at him and he shook his head. "You're never one to give up dom, so why give up on her. You have to understand that she has this weight on her shoulders, and feels empty inside." He paused to sigh, "imagine not being capable of using your fingers to play bass."
I never thought of it that way. It's hard for me to understand what she's going through because I haven't single handily experienced anything like this. How could I be so selfish and have the thought of leaving. I know it wouldn't have been permanent, but thinking about leaving her during a time of need but cruel of me.
"Don't you love her." Adam was now sitting next to with his hand on my shoulder. My thoughts paced at the question. It shouldn't have, I made that commitment to her long ago. I do love her, a lot actually. Her smile lights up the room when she enters. Every day and at every sight of her, she gets my heart racing.
"I gotta go." I stood up from the couch and walked to grab my coat.
"Where?" Adam chuckled like he already knew the answer. I gave him a faint smile in which he returned and I was off.

I made a commitment awhile ago, and I was ready to seal it.

***
The smell of booze flew under my nose as I opened the door to the apartment. There was so sign of anything, so I brushed it off. The smell lingered into the kitchen as I walked in there to get a class of water. I grabbed a cup from the clean dish side and filled it with water. I stopped before my lips could touch it because I smelt an unusual smell. A smell that I knew all too well. It was whiskey. I emptied the cup back into the sink and slammed it on the counter. I pulled out every drawer and opened every cupboard, searching high and low for any bottle of alcohol. That's when I saw it, under the sink were two giant bottles of whiskey both half full. I grabbed them and held them firmly. Tears pricked in the back of my eyes. The warm moister dripped from my eyelashes and onto the floor. I slammed both bottles on the floor, them shattering amongst my feet. I stomped into the room ready to start a hell storm, but I found her sound asleep. I scanned the room and found an open pill bottle, almost gone. It was strange because I just had that prescription refilled to days ago. Oh no. No no no, this can't be happening. Lexi laid face down into the silk pillow. I flipped her lifeless body around so she was facing me.
"Why now." I sobbed as I lifted her up to hug her. She was still breathing but it was very faint. I picked her up and sat her on my lap. I did what I had to do. I shoved my fingers down her throat, to try and trigger her gag reflex. It wasn't working, "Come on lex, don't you die on me now." I was so stupid for trying to leave in the first place. I can't live without her, and it's hard to think of where I would be if I did decide to give up. I rocked her back and forth, still trying to get her to cough up the pills. I sat there crying as I tried one more time, and it worked. She coughed and I felt the pills come up, as well as an enormous amount of whiskey. It all vigorously hit the carpet as it all came up. I counted the pills as they hit the floor. One..two...three... five..... nine....twelve. Twelve pills. A deadly dosage, a literal disaster in a bottle. She laid in my arms still delusional, but had the strength to look up at me. Both of our cheeks were stained with tears. She placed a hand on my cheek and I held my hand over it. "I'm sorry." She whimpered. I let out a sad laugh and rested my forehead against hers. We both cried together until she finally fell back asleep.

I laid next to her gazing at her rosey face, intertwining my fingers in her hair. Despite what happened, she looked so peaceful when she was sleeping. Her legs were wrapped around mine. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close to my chest. If I really would have lost her, what would I have done? I think I would lose all my sanity. "I love you." I whispered to her and planted a kiss on her head. I continued to rub her head as I felt my eyes get heavy and suddenly close.

Things might be tough for us, but I know one thing for sure. I would never leave her side again.