Most of us are hurting
Most of us are searching
Someone to love
Someone to understand
Most the time I'm fighting
Multiple voices residing
In my head
Then there's you
You bring silence to my violent truth
As I looked at the positive pregnancy test that sat on my bathroom counter, all I could do was smile.
I'm having the love of my life's baby, I thought. I couldn't wait for him to get home. I wiped the tears that cascaded down my face, grabbing the pregnancy and sitting it on our bed.
We had been trying for a baby for the last few months and now I'm finally gonna give him what he really wants. We're engaged and we're finally about to start our own family and have lil icess and lil jidennas running around. At first I didn't think I was ready to be a mother, I didn't want to turn out like my mother and cause my child any type of pain, but he convinced me. He said, we would raise this baby together and he'd be by my side every step of the way.
"Baby, I'm home." He said, causing my heart to flutter.
"I'm in the bedroom." I replied, holding the pregnancy test behind my back:
He walked in, and my stomach fluttered with butterflies, as he strutted towards me with his work suit on, kissing my lips.
"I gotta surprise for you, it's something you've been waiting for." I said, as I watched him take his tie off.
"What is it?" He asked, plopping down on the bed, laying his head in my lap, as I strummed my hands through his hair.
"Baby, I'm pregnant." I smiled, nervously as I watched him scrunch his face up.
"Pregnant?" He repeated, scratching his head, as he sat up.
"Yeah, I just took the test." I passed it to him, and once he saw that it read positive, he threw his head back sighing. "Aren't you happy? You said, this is what you wanted?" My heart was pounding so loudly, i was expecting him to be jumping up and down, spinning me around, calling all of his family to tell them about our bundle of joy but instead he looked upset.
He cleared his throat and smiled, but I couldn't shake the feeling that it was all fake. "I am happy, come here." He said, pulling me into his lap and rubbing my stomach but he still looked uncomfortable. "We're having a baby." He said, kissing my lips, making all my doubts disappear.
In that moment, I was content, but what I didn't know was that the next week, all of his stuff would be gone and everything he promised me would all turn out to be a lie.
•
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"No, that's impossible. I can't be pregnant?" I coughed, looking at my doctor like she was pregnant.
"According to your urine test, you are 7 weeks pregnant." She said, causing me to burst out in tears.
"No, no, no." I mumbled, crying into my hands. "This isn't the right time" I cried, as my doctor looked at me with sympathy.
"Well, you do have options, there's abortion, adoption... it's really up to you." She said, rubbing my shoulder.
Wonder why I've been so emotional lately, I thought that maybe it would be postpartum depression but I was wrong.
"I just gotta go home, and weight out my options." I said, hopping off the table, and leaving the examination room. My thoughts wandered everywhere, thinking about what I was going to and right about now I was leaning towards abortion, but that was a hard pill to swallow.
Right now, I'm not ready for a baby. I don't think I'm more so mentally ready for this baby. I already have heaven and Raegan to think about and adding another baby into the equation is a lot to think about.
And more importantly, I don't know how Keraun feels about about having another baby and I don't want him to think that he's stuck with me now because of this baby.
"I'm not ready." I cried, as I walked to the nearest bus stop. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. Seeing the bus approach me, I wiped my eyes and got on, making my way back home with this pregnancy heavy on my mind.
•
"Mommy, look what I got, it's a gold star. I told you I'd be good all week and I did it." Raegan beamed, as I walked in the door.
"I'm so proud of you baby, this weekend I'm gonna take you to get ice cream." I said, as I picked her up, kissing in her cheeks.
"Mommy, stop." She laughed, squirming in my arms.
"Heaven, stinky butt." I said, she was sitting in the living room on my grandmothers lap. Hearing my voice, she looked up at me, smiling, a toothless smile.
I picked her up, kissing all over her faceand blowing raspberries on her belly while she giggled hysterically. I plopped down onto the couch, laying my head on my grandmothers shoulder, taking the time to rest my eyes.
"What's wrong, I know there's something wrong with you." She said, rubbing my head.
"A lot." I explained vaguely.
"Raegan how about you take heaven with you upstairs and sit her in the bouncer and watch her while mommy talks to nana."
"Okay nana." She smiled, grabbing heaven and walking up the stairs
"Be careful baby, take your time and make sure you strap her in." I called, as I watched her walk up the stairs.
"Talk to your grandma, girl." She said.
"I just feel a little overwhelmed right now. I feel like I need some help, because I don't like feeling like this and nobody really understands how I feel. Sometimes I'm happy and then sometimes I just feel worthless. Even though, I have all of y'all as my support system and I know y'all love me, I don't love myself as much as I should and I feel like I keep sabotaging all the good I have coming towards me. And grandma, even though I know it's bad I just miss my mom and my sister so much and I wish they didn't hate me so much because I still love them and I want them to support me but I know they won't. And then I go to the doctors and I find out that I'm pregnant. Grandma I'm not ready, I swear this time around I'm not ready." And again, the tears started to cascade out of my eyes once again.
"we're gonna get you help, we're gonna get you help baby. Come here." She said, standing up with her arms. I stood up and let her wrap her arms around me, as I cried onto her shoulder.
"Listen to me, you can't fold. You got 2 young queens up there, depending on you to show them how to be independent and a strong woman. No matter how hard it gets you have to remember the storm doesn't last forever. I'm gonna get you a therapist and we're gonna deal with these problems head on. You can't keep pretending to be okay baby. Sometimes you just gotta break down to be build up again." She said, rocking me back and forth
