Most of us are hurting
Most of us are searching
Someone to love
Someone to understand
Most the time I'm fighting
Multiple voices residing
In my head
Then there's you
You bring silence to my violent truth
"What do you want to achieve by meeting with me?" My new therapist, Iyanla asked.
"I just want to get over my past, heal from it and be the best mother I can be for my kids." I responded, this was my first session and i didn't know what to expect. She had asked me to bring some baby pictures of myself, some photos of my family, as well as pictures of my children. i didn't understand her reasoning for asking me to bring the pictures, but i didn't question her.
"In order to get into the depth of your pain, we have to start where it all began." she smiled, grabbing a picture of me as a baby. "the womb, your first home, where your mother catered for your every need for 9 months until you were brought into this world. where do you believe the energy shifted." I grabbed the picture of me at around 3-4 years old, it was me and my sister. She was smiling brightly, while holding a lollipop and i was standing far behind her, smiling as well.
"i started noticing early on that my mother didn't really care for me, i noticed that when she started leaving me at home all the time, she always took my lil sister places, showed her off but as far as me, she didn't really spend time with me and it always seemed like she was disgusted in me. she just made me feel like she didn't like me and i felt like a burden." I should've never felt like that as a child but at the age of 4 i noticed how i was being treated and i just wanted my mother to love me.
"How did that make you feel? Knowing that your mother, the one who carried you for 9 months, the one who was supposed to love and protect you, didn't even like you." She grabbed my hands, standing in front of me. "Come on, let it out." I sighed, feeling the tears sting my eyes.
"i felt like i wasn't good enough. i just wanted her to love me and treat us all equally... i don't know what i did wrong." i cried, leaning forward.
"Who protected you, beloved?"
"Nobody, i had my brother but we were all young, he couldn't protect me from everything." I spoke, she lifted my head, grabbing my face.
"You're broken, and we need to clean that up because as mothers, we put into our children, our blood, sweat and fears. We have to get this under control before your children walk in your same footsteps... they'll be scared of the world, vulnerable, and numb." She cradled me in her arms as she spoke my worst fear too me.
"I don't want my girls to be like me, I want to be better for them." I cried, holding her close to me.
3 months later
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"Heaven, come on crawl to mommy." I coached, watching my baby army crawl towards me.
"Go sissy, GOOOOOO." Raegan cheered, making heaven go into a fit of laughter. "Now let me see you crawl, crawl, crawl, crawl." She sang, remixing Santana's song.
I laughed, grabbing heaven, kissing her cheeks and plopping us onto the couch. "Raegan what do you want a little sister or brother." I asked, letting her rub my growing baby bump.
