This Town

Chapter Thirty Eight

In the months and year following our breakup, things happened that I wish I could change. Beginning with letting her go in the first place to the moment I walked into that pub and saw his arm around her. And everything in between.

Siobhan had been my best friend for more than half of my life, my girlfriend for over two years, and the only person in the world who knew every inch of me. When she left that December night, I swore I was going to win her back.

The first instance of regret came when it was time to go home for the holidays, I couldn't do it. I called my mother and asked her if they would all rather spend Christmas in London. She didn't make anything of my request, and said that was fine as long the tickets could be easily exchanged. I handled it all myself. For whatever reason, I couldn't go home. And, the strangest thing was, is that no one in my family asked me about it. No one said I looked or acted depressed. Nothing. It was almost if they didn't know. But how could they not? How could they not figure it out when she wasn't there with us?

I rang in 2013 alone. Louis and Liam called to try to get me to go out but I couldn't. It was only once we got back to work and started the tour that I was even semi able to start moving on but even that was a feeble attempt. It didn't help that we had agreed to allow cameras to follow us everywhere we went. I had to act happy for a camera and for our fans but when the lights went out at the end of the day, most of the time, I laid there in my bed trying not to cry; trying not to think at all.

The second instance I wish I could change was the first time I absolutely had to go home was for my brother's wedding. Although I was excited about it, I was obviously quite nervous because I had forgotten one small but important detail - Siobhan was an invited guest. I half expected her to not show up but that wasn't the kind of person she was.

During the ceremony, I tried to stay focused on my duties as Best Man. The wedding wasn't huge but I couldn't manage to find her in the church. I thought I saw her as we all left for the reception but too much was happening to really even focus. It wasn't until we got to the reception that I saw her. Even though it had only been a few months, she looked gorgeous. She was wearing a dark, royal purple dress that fell to the floor. Her blonde hair was swept up to one side, curled, and held in place with a crystal clip. She took my breath away.

I turned around as soon as she looked in my direction. I couldn't bear the thought of her seeing me. I ran into the toilet and had to bite my tongue to keep from bursting into tears. I hadn't really cried about our breakup but it all suddenly came rushing over me when I realized she wasn't at this wedding with me. I nearly had a nervous breakdown in the damn loo!

I calmed my nerves down and went back out to find my seat. When I sat down, I noticed that a purple bag was in the chair next to mine and then I saw her name card, next to mine. I swallowed hard and almost panicked again when I heard the sound of glass shattering behind me. I turned around to see her standing there, glass at her feet. Someone quickly came and swept everything up and gave her a new glass.

All this was done in a matter of seconds, her eyes never leaving mine. She looked just as nervous as I felt. I could see her throat as she swallowed. She quietly sat down next to me, looking around to see if anyone was watching. Unfortunately, someone was.

"Can I get a photo of you two?" The wedding photographer asked.

"I...uh..." I couldn't speak.

"Sure," she said, quickly.

We both just sat there as rigid as a board and smiled. "Could you two get a little closer, please?"

She scooted her chair closer to mine and placed her hand on my leg. I looked down when she touched me and back up just in time for the flash to go off in my eyes. Just as quickly, she removed her hand and scooted away from me. 

Before I could say anything, I was dragged away for more formal pictures. While taking the wedding photos, Greg mentioned something that made me do a bit of a double take.

"Where's Siobhan?" he asked.

"I haven't seen her most of the day," Denise said.

"Well, Niall, go get her, she needs to be in some of these pics, too. After all, she's basically family. And we all know eventually she will be officially family. Go find her, bro." He smiled at me and patted me on the back.

"Huh?" I asked, stunned.

"Go find your girl, Niall, so she can get in some of these. I want my unofficial sister-in-law to be a part of this too."

"Uhh," I gulped. Why was he saying any of this? And then it dawned on me: no one knew we had broken up.

I remembered that I hadn't said anything back at Christmas and I hadn't seen anyone since then. Not a single member of my family ever even asked me how I was doing. And now I know why, they didn't know. But why didn't they know? I'm sure her dad had noticed her unhappy and surely would've asked her about it.

"Niall, bro, go get her."

"Uhh, I'm not sure where she is at the moment." I stuttered.

"Well, we'll find her eventually and then get some photos with her, okay?" Greg looked at me as my world suddenly went out of focus.

"Uhh, yeah, okay," I managed to squeak out. When we were done, I made my way back inside to find her but she was nowhere to be found. I found Thomas, though. "Yo, bro, have you seen Siobhan?"

"Yeah, she just left. Why?" He looked at me, a bit of concern on his face.

"I, uh, wanted to ask her something." I said, grabbing a beer from the bar and guzzling it down.

"She didn't say bye?" He asked. I looked at him, my tears no longer able to stay inside. "Hey, man, you okay?"

All I could do was shake my head. Thomas grabbed me by the shoulders, grabbed a few beers, gestured toward my brother, and we all went outside. It was there that it all finally came out. I told them everything that had happened.

"Niall, man, why didn't you tell us?" Greg asked.

"I guess I didn't want to believe it? Or hoped it wasn't true or that it wasn't going to last? I don't know. I guess I also figured at some point it would get around this town." I wiped tears from my face as I continued to cry.

Greg pulled me in for a hug while Thomas said, "You know, that does kind of explain why she avoided talking about you anytime I would ask how you were. She would always just pop a smile on her face and say that you were good. But she never went beyond that if I asked her any more in depth questions."

"But why wouldn't she tell someone?" I asked. The two of them just looked at each other. "What?" I asked, again.

My brother coughed, "I'm sure she had her reasons for not. As you just said, it would've made its way around the gossip poles in this town. And we all know she endures enough crap from people in this place."

"Yeah, that's true."

"I'm sorry, bro. Had we known we wouldn't have had her sitting with us." Greg rubbed my back as I nodded.

"I know." I sighed, having calmed down some, "She looked stunning tonight."

Thomas smiled, "She always does."

After a few more minutes, I felt ready to rejoin the party. I stayed only another hour maybe before leaving for home. I just wasn't feeling it.

As I got to my house, before going in, I turned to take a look at hers. It looked shabby, like no one was living there anymore. But her bedroom light was on. I took a deep breath and began walking over. I stopped and rethought it and turned back around. But then I called myself a coward and turned back toward her house. I'm pretty sure I did this for a good fifteen minutes before I finally gave up and walked inside my house and passed out.

The next day, I was gone again.