This Town

Chapter Forty Four

The next day, I woke up with a pounding headache. And an incredibly deep regret. I splashed water on my face and took a look at myself in the mirror. The person staring back at me was somehow the same person who had said some of the most awful things to the girl he loves just a mere 10 hours before. I got so mad at myself that without knowing it, a tendency I did a lot these days, I slammed my fist into the glass, shattering it to pieces.

The blood from the broken glass that had laid into my fist dripped all over the floor as I flexed my hand in pain. 'Well, that was just dumb,' I thought to myself as I ran my hand under the faucet. 'But, then again, dumb is your forte these days. In fact, dumb has been your signature for quite some time. Dumb was letting her walk out that door a year ago. Dumb was listening to management. Dumb was me.'

I bandaged up my hand and cleaned up all the glass before I went downstairs to face my mother.

"What in the hell, Niall?" she said when she saw my hand.

"Sorry, mum."

She shook her head at me before saying, "I was out this morning, getting last minute items for Christmas dinner and I heard a very interesting story of what you said and did last night. Care to explain?"

"Did you know she was dating him?" I asked.

"I had a feeling something was going on. But didn't know for sure. I thought maybe it was just the development of a friendship. She cut a lot of people off after her father died. Her grief made her angry. We tried to help her out in any way we could but she rejected them all. Hadn't seen her in over a week when Rory was in that car accident. I think when he died, she and Conor found a connection. Someone who understood the pain of losing someone so close to them. I saw her sitting with him after the funeral service. I don't think they said a single word to each other. Just sat there, in silence." She paused for a second, "Honey, she wasn't taking care of herself. She's been so angry. She slammed the door in my face whenever I brought food over."

"What?" I asked, looking up from my hand, stunned that she would do such a thing.

"It's okay, she has since apologized. But for about two months, I rarely saw her. On the occassion I did, she looked thinner each time. She wasn't taking care of herself. She stayed locked up in that house. In the dark. She only recently started opening the curtains and blinds. I've seen Conor out there trying to get the yard cleaned up. You should've seen it just a week ago."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"What would you have done?"

I shrugged. I didn't have an answer.

"Do you think she's happy?"

My mother looked at me for a moment and sighed, "No, honey, I don't. But she hasn't been happy for some time. I know you two had big plans. I think she banked too much on whatever plans you two made that now, since they haven't happened, she doesn't quite know what to do with herself. I think she feels stuck. I think she's lost."

"I wish she would let me help."

My mother shook her head, "I don't think that's wise, Niall. For either of you. You two have been attached at the hip for so long, making plans for so long, that you both need to do things on your own. She needs to find herself on her own. And, quite frankly, you need to do the same."

"But--"

"Honey, I know you love her. And she loves you. She didn't break up with you because she didn't. In my opinion, she did because she's not happy anywhere else in her life right now, so she didn't think she deserved any happiness. But, I also know how frustrated she was with this whole pretending you weren't a couple. That's a pretty messed up situation that you should have remedied right then and there. They don't own you, Niall."

"But if she loves me then why is she with him?" I asked, a sob escaping my throat.

"He's not a bad guy, Niall. I know he and Rory were quite mean to you two growing up but, he grew up. If you really look back you'll notice that he stopped being that way. I kind of think he's had a bit of a crush on her for some time. I don't think he ever thought he stood a chance because of you. He may still think that. But something has put a small smile on her face, and if he's responsible, then I'm okay with that. Would I prefer it be you? Always. But..." she paused to wipe a tear away from her face from cutting onions, "But, I do think it won't last. If for no other reason than she needs to get away from here and find herself. Alone."

She stopped talking and continued cutting the onion. I walked around and gave her a hug from behind before grabbing my coat and taking myself on a walk. I needed to think about some things.