Desolation boy 3 - help me

A secret from a monster (Huge trigger warning)

I wish my mouth was sewn up

So I couldn't ruin everything

I wish I could die so I can't burden everyone anymore

I'm not good enough for him

And I'm not what my mother wanted

My brother never talks to me

And my sister hates me

No friends text me anymore

the only outside world contact I talk to is my psychiatrist

Money is becoming extinct

I feel myself falling deep

I scratched my arm till it bled to prove I'm alive

But now I want more

I want a blade so I can cut myself again

I crave it

I want it

I need it

My relapse is here and it's here to stay for a while

It's tightening its grip harder and harder

It's been 6 years and I still love the silver blade dipping into the soft skin

I can't escape it