Travis's thoughts + random stuff

School

I remember back in my old school when people asked why I skipped school a lot of days and I just answered "just cause." or shrugged. But I did have a genuine answer. I was simply too unmotivated to. Every morning I would wake up early enough but be too tired. I would ask myself "is it worth it to force myself out of bed today?" and my answer was always "no, not really." because tbh I didn't enjoy my old school that much. It was alright but it was so far away and I was so lonely. I barely had any friends and the ones that I did have was in my electives which meant I only saw them sometimes. I did make two friends at camp but since I moved schools I never really saw them ever again. I hope they are doing well.

But yeah, I lacked the motivation to get up for school. I still do now. I try to go everyday but sometimes I just say "fuck it.". I have school only 4 days a week but I only go on days that I feel like because I want to. I may not go everyday but i'm trying, I swear. I just don't have a goal with school, I don't feel like i'll accomplish anything when I finish it. I hate feeling like I can't achieve anything, I hate feeling like all my hard work will be for nothing. I just don't see what the point of working hard is going to do when the world is slowly decomposing, slowly dying. Everything I've done will just go to waste and it sucks. I should enjoy my life before it ends but I barely find enjoyment out of everything. I wish times were simpler.

Sometimes I feel like I should try harder but I just can't bring myself to do so. I just can't find an ounce of care, an ounce of motivation to pick myself up and be the best I can be. My doctors and teachers say I have so much potential, but is that true? I feel like it isn't. I feel like they're lying to me, saying that just to make me feel better. Why couldn't this potential go to someone who deserves it, because I certainly do not. I feel like I don't deserve all the good things that have come to me, I feel like I have done nothing to earn all this. But that's just the way life goes, I suppose. After all, it'll all be over before you know it. 

At least I can pretend that everything is okay.