Nostalgia (Pt.2)

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Virgil's words hit me deep as the entire conversation replayed slowly in my mind, allowing the memories to come flooding back. I'll be honest, it hurt... it really, really did, but even so, I could feel my body move on its own as I slowly got closer to the scene in front of me. I probably looked like an idiot leaning forward like this... looking like a simple spectator that watched the events unfold from the sidelines since I wasn't physically nor mentally in my body.

But just before the boy finished his thought process, the scene changed. Ever so conveniently, cutting him off at the part I most needed to hear...

For the first few seconds, no shapes took form as the colours just floated around in the white abyss, aimlessly searching for their spot. The world around me stood silent for just a moment before I heard a familiar Japanese nickname.

"Hana?"

And, finally, the image took form, showing to the world another pitiful and devastated version of me. I sat below the window, facing the door with my head in my knees and my arm pulling my legs closer to my chest. Asami's voice rang softly through the room, but I didn't move. You could hear the low hiccups that erupted from my small form, followed by my intense trembling as each sound left my lips.

I remembered this, as well... It was after we fought Black Beetle and after the... the Claire thing... I can't say that I'm over it yet because I'm not, but at that point in time, I was worse... I guess.

I remember that Asami had caught me at a particular moment that I hadn't expected her to. I had given an excuse about being tired so that I could go to the room because I felt the urgent need to cry. The whole situation with Claire ended with my emotions getting all over the place and only quite recently had I managed to somewhat sort them out until the fake dad situation, where my emotions and feelings felt like spiralling out of control all over again.

"I'm fine, Sam, don't worry." I tried to play this situation off as nothing of any importance, but my constant hiccuping, high pitched voice and body tremble denied my words.

Sighing profoundly, she went to sit beside me before placing her hand on my back and letting me lean my head on her shoulder.

And once more, just as quickly as the scene manifested, it disappeared. Only to be replaced with a different one, this one though, took less time to appear as it quickly sketched itself out and in just a few seconds I found myself in the Star Labs' "training room", watching myself look around with a bored expression on my face before being interrupted by Nate. I missed him...

"Morning, Felicity."

"Morning, Nate."

"Hey... uh... I saw you sneaking into Tye's room last night. Is everything ok?"

"Wh- Why wouldn't it be?"

With a small sigh, he placed his hand on my shoulder, squeezing it lightly before continuing. "I also heard you screaming in your room... did you... have another one?" Looking down at the ground, I reluctantly nodded. "I'm not trying to be... intrusive... but if you need to talk, don't hesitate to ask."

"Thanks. And, uh... if you also need to talk, I'm always open for convos." He nodded and smiled.

Squeezing my shoulder one last time, Nate went to sit down on the bench, waiting for Dr. Wilcox to appear and allowing me to think. I watched myself fiddle mindlessly with the bodysuit I had on as my mind slowly detached itself from worldly concerns. Until I was, once more, interrupted.

"Hey, you in there?" Tye's hand waved up and down in front of my face as he tried to get my attention.

I was so lost in thought that it took him a few more tries to get my attention, but when he did, he was met with a loud screech, arms flying around and punching the air as I took a step back in a defensive mode. "Sorry! I didn't hear you..."

"It's fine. You feeling better since last night?"

It took both, memory me and present me a few minutes to understand his question. Feeling better? From what? Then it clicked in my memory self's brain.

I quickly nodded and looked at my feet while fiddling with my braid. "Yeah, I'm fine. And... uh... I'm sorry about bothering you last night..."

"It's fine. We all have nightmares." Nightmares? What nightmares? And then it clicked. Nate's questions and Tye's... they were asking the same thing! This scene took place about one week after we were rescued from the Reach. I had had some nightmares due to the experiments during our abduction, but they ended up going away... not because I had gotten over the trauma, obviously not, but they just... stopped.

Though, interestingly enough, the torture that I went through when I was in their slimy alien hands, isn't something that bothers me anymore... maybe it's just because I have other things on my mind or just because they aren't as important anymore, I didn't know... honestly, all I know is that I'm still scared of the Reach and hold a lot of hatred towards them, but the torture isn't something that I think about... at least, I thought I didn't...

Tye didn't have any physical contact like Nate did, squeezing my shoulder reassuringly or anything like that, but he still tried to, in his own way, reassure me that he understood and that I shouldn't apologise. "Thanks..." He gave me a curt nod before walking over to Nate and sitting down.

Watching this... these scenes made a pang of guilt fly through my heart. It was bad enough that they were pulling on my heartstrings, but having the feelings hit me in the face once more... was worse. My friends, since the very beginning, have been trying to help me... and I became so comfortable around them that my feelings became more and more exposed... I made an effort in the beginning to hide them and to not be a burden... but as time went on... I stopped... giving my emotions the chance to cause havoc.

"So, how do you feel?" The words flew in just as fast as they flew out. The voice didn't belong to any of my friends nor to anyone I knew, so I didn't react. "Those were the three main topics and reasons as to why you feel so... Uh... messed up, right?" Silence. "Look, I don't mean to sound rude or anything like that... but getting you to re-live your memories and old emotions seemed like a good place to start. You were comforted... sort of... during these three moments by the people who care for you..." I knew what they were trying to do and I understood what they meant, and maybe they were correct to show me and made me relive everything, but at the same time, they just made me feel worse. "You need to snap out of this cycle of sadness and self-pity, or else you're going to bring everyone else down with you."

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When their words began to sink in, I began to feel trapped, and so, I struggled against their grip. The guilt was starting to manifest itself in my chest, causing it to tighten and my breathing to become ragged. This can't be my fault! How can one person cause this?! No... it couldn't... I-

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