Misc.

For the Art of Loving Will Bring Us All Home Soon

Out of all the ways to die, it was the allergies that were the least expected.

You didn't know the knife had been dirty and the next thing you knew you were in an ambulance being rushed to the hospital, unable to breathe.

You were declared dead upon arrival to the emergency room.

People missed you, they showed up at your funeral, even your teachers. Everyone reckoned your death was rather shortlived. So many questions unanswered, so many projects left unfinished, things never to be seen again.

Nothing is permanent though, and soon enough people began to move on. Not out of a negative will, but merely because life goes on. It doesn't wait for anyone, dead or alive.

Decades later, people finally begin to catch up to you. Up, wherever you are, one by one, you reconnect with the people you knew so dearly back in your younger times. One day, you meet up with an old friend and you can't help but ask,

"What about that girl?"

"Girl? What girl?"

"The girl who kept lying about her cancer."

"Oh, that girl. What about her?"

"Was she actually lying? I was never able to find out."

Your friend shrugged ambiguously and looked the other direction.

"Well? Whatever the answer is, there's nothing we can do about it now."

"You're right, there's nothing we can do about it now, so why does the answer even matter?"

"It was just a question-" you start.

"Of course it was just a question. They're all just bloody questions. The whole world is a question. Everyone dead or alive is always asking questions, whatever state they're in. The alive ask questions, the dead ask questions, the angry ask questions, and the curious ask questions. We've been asking questions since the dawn of time and there will only ever be more questions. There's no such thing as an answer because an answer is supposed to end whatever it is your wondering about, but that never happens. Yes, the girl was lying about her cancer but that doesn't matter because whatever the answer had been, you would have gotten over it. Nothing would have changed, and you would have stayed the same old you. What is it with you people, you're always looking for something to feel better about."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean."

"It means that your whole lives are built on putting people down. You wanted to know if she was lying because if the answer was yes, you would have felt better about yourself for being a half-honest person, and not a lying attention seeker. "

"I wasn't trying to be rude."

"No, you're never trying to be rude. You're just trying to validate your thoughts. I hate to break it to you, but you should probably stop. You lived your life always seeking validation from others. You were never satisfied and you were never able to accept people for who they are up until the day you died.  Stop this cold, angry demeanor. You've cut yourself off from the ones you love so much that they don't know how to communicate with you anymore. There's a concrete wall around you and you've lost the instructions on how to break it down. Go take a hike, as they say, open yourself up a little. Learn to love once more. I know you can do it, I believe in you. Everyone did, and everyone does. You can't redo the life you've lived, but maybe in the next one, you'll have learned enough to be wiser. Learn to love, please, because you know you can't go on fighting much longer. It'll consume you and end up tearing you limb from limb. Love is the answer. If you're so desperate for one, there it is. There's your answer. "

You had no words, for a lack of a better term.

"I'm sorry for being blunt about it," they said, out of breath.

"No, it's ok," you said after a moment, finding your voice once more. "The truth is rarely sugarcoated."

Your friend smiled.

"I'm glad you understand."

Suddenly the field around you felt warmer, the grass against your hands was soft. The skies seemed endless and your head was clearer than before. You were alone and almost by impulse, the mountains in the distance seemed to beckon you closer. It wouldn't be hard now; things would turn out okay. You were sure of it this time, and nobody would ever have to assure you that.