Forked Roads Back

2 - TESSA

"SWEET PEA?"

I hear the door to Matt's room creak open and a small slither of light from the hallway passes over my face as I hug one of Matt's pillows. I don't even bother moving as Dad makes his way towards me and perches on the side of the bed.

It had now been a year since Matt died, over a year, and I was back from university. I hadn't told Dad I was coming back, but he's probably seen my bags at the front door and assumed this was where I'd be. It's where I always go when I come home.

This last year has been incredibly hard. It was hard enough anyway, without the added drama of Archie leaving, but part of me is now very glad Dad forced me to go back to university in October last year. I stayed for over a week when I came home last year, when Dad told me Archie had left. Each day I said I'd only stay one more day, until one day turned to nearly three weeks. After that Mum, Dad and Mark had an intervention and Dad drove me up to Edinburgh,  almost kicking and screaming.

A year later, though, it's the best thing the three of them could have ever done for me. I know now that if I had stayed home there would have been nothing for me to do but dwell on everything that happened, why Archie left and make myself miserable. At least at university I could go out and enjoy myself. Well... I haven't exactly gone out, but I did have a major distraction in all my schoolwork, and with all my friends helping me through, I've actually managed to enjoy myself... mostly.

But even after a year it's difficult, and incredibly frustrating. In his letter, Archie told me to move on, to forget about him, but it's not something I could just do on command. Archie may have been able to - in fact he probably has by now - but I wasn't finding it so easy. When you know what it's like to have found the other half of your soul, having a soulmate, no one else seems to compare.

To drive the dagger home, all of my friends at university have now coupled up. My best friend Nelly broke up with her boyfriend, Pat, over the summer and now has a new boyfriend Will. My coursemate Glen is now dating my housemate Ryan, and Sophie, the girl I met on my first day of classes because we were both crying in the bathroom, has now found Paul. Everyone has someone now, except me. At home, there's a loved up couple everywhere I go, in class and on campus there are loved up couples, and it was as if the universe was rubbing it in my face that I hadn't found anyone. But having a house full of people with other halves meant it was also hard for me to meet new people. I didn't blame any of them for being happy, of course I didn't. I just wished I could find someone and be happy too.

I needed a week off from all of it though, because although I'm now okay with the idea that I am most likely going to be alone for the rest of my life, I didn't like it being rubbed in my face every ten goddamn seconds.

"How come you're back?" Dad asks, as if the answer wasn't obvious.

I sigh. "It's Reading Week this week. We have a week without any classes," I tell him, my voice muffled by Matt's pillow.

I sniff, trying to ease some of the tension in my chest, but instead I'm enveloped in the musty scent of Matt's aftershave and a small sob comes out of me, partly disguised as a hiccup. Even after a year, the sheets still seem to smell like him and a lump slowly begins to form in my throat.

Dad doesn't say anything for a moment, he just looks down at me, no doubt trying to read my expression as I hug Matt's pillow tighter to me, as if it's my lifeline. I suppose he's worried I'm home for the wrong reasons. Well, the wrong reason. It may have been over a year that Matt died, but it was almost a year to the day that Archie had left, too.

"Tess, really," he presses. "Why are you here?" He nudges for me to move over so I shuffle sideways and hand him the other pillow, not wanting to let this one go.