Salem's Eyes (COMPLETED)

35 Salem

Akala nila madali para sa akin kasi hindi ako nagpapakita nang kahinaan. Kina-iinggitan 'tong lakas na ipinapakita ko pero hindi nila alam na isang pitik nalang ay pwede na akong bumigay.

Isa lang naman ang ginawa ko noong mamatay si dad. I ignored the pain that was knocking in my heart. I kept on tricking my mind that I was fine and it worked out just well. Pati ang pagkamatay ng mama ni Amara ay tinanggap ko na bago pa man mangyari. Kaya akala ng lahat ay hindi ako apektado. Hindi nila alam, unti-unting namamatay 'yung puso ko sa ginagawa ko.

Kaya wala na akong tinanggap na kahit anong emosyon para maging madali nalang sa akin ang lahat. Pero ngayon, hindi ko na magawa.

It was funny because I remembered that night in Pledis when I threw some relationship advice to everyone. The night became fucked up after. Parang na-jinx kumbaga 'yung relasyon namin ni Caius.

"Bakla, napansin mo na ba bago namin sabihin sa'yo?" ani Jenn habang nakakapit kay Liza. Nandito kami sa main library ng school. It was our vacant but they followed me. Hindi ko alam kung bakit sinamahan nila ako gayong alam kong maiinip lang sila dito.

Tumango nalang ako sa tanong n'ya. They just broke to my face ten seconds ago that they were in a relationship. I sensed it before but I ignored it because I thought they were just naturally clingy to each other. Isa pa, wala na akong kakayahan pang magulat ngayon. Kahit pa yata sampalin nila ako ay hindi sila makakakuha ng reaksyon sa akin.

"Matagal na naming gustong sabihin sa'yo kaso baka iwasan mo kami. Ganoon silang lahat, eh." ani Liza na parang maiiyak pa.

Their hands were intertwined above the table. Minsan ay hinahawakan rin nila ng ganyan ang kamay ko. I guess they used me so that I wouldn't doubt them. Pero naramdaman ko naman na talaga dati pa na may something sa kanila.

"Don't worry, I'll support you." paninigurado ko sa kanila. "Just don't kiss in front of me."

I wasn't ready for that yet. And my heart was damn broken right now.

Nakita ko ang palitan nila ng tingin. Sabay pa silang ngumisi at pagkatapos ay mapaglaro akong tinignan.

"Ipo-provoke ka sana namin kaso nandito tayo sa library, eh. 'Tsaka na sa ibang lugar." mapaglarong ani Jenn.

Liza chuckled and leaned her head on her girlfriend's shoulder. It was a natural move but they give off another vibe right now. Before, I see them as bestfriends. Now, I see them as a couple and that was a huge difference. I'd suffer from their PDA moments. Sasabay pa sila gayong pakiramdam ko ay nag-iisa ako.

"Be quiet. I'm gonna sleep."

I haven't told anyone about our break-up. Wala namang nagtatanong dahil walang nakakapansin. My face hardly change. Kay Caius lang naman ako laging nakangiti. S'ya lang naman ang may kakayahan na pasayahin ako.

Fuck.

Isinubsob ko ang mukha ko sa librong kanina ko pa kunwari binabasa. It has been three days. Wala akong matinong tulog sa loob ng tatlong araw na 'yon. It was like having the same nightmare every night. Ni hindi ako makakain ng maayos kakaisip.

I wanted him back even before I reached my home that night. Pinapatay ako ng takot, konsensya at pagsisisi tuwing naiisip ko ang nangyari. Pero hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin alam kung ano ang dapat kong gawin.

Seeing him everyday in pain would drive me insane. Para akong ito-torture kung panonoorin ko s'yang masaktan ng wala akong kayang gawin. Tama naman 'yung sinabi n'ya. Hindi ganoon kadaling makaalis sa sinalihan n'ya. They wouldn't let him go easily. His wounds proved that.

Alam kong mahirap intindihin ang desisyon ko. He begged for me to stay because he needed me. I knew that. Pero paano naman ako? I was wrecked emotionally and mentally. Hindi ko na kaya pang may mawala sa akin.