I'm not going anywhere

3

I wake up, tucked in bed pulled against Alex's chest, he must have moved us here while I was asleep.
I can't help but smile.
But, I have to get out of his arms before he wakes up. I gently pull his arms off me and creep to the bathroom.

"Ughh," I groan quietly as I look at the mirror

"What are you thinking loser? You need to stop," I tell myself I can't let myself fall for him even more, it will just make a mess. I let out one more sigh before I take a quick shower (and by quick I mean 15 minutes but that's still pretty good compared to most guys I know). I brush my teeth and moisturise my face before heading down to start on breakfast

Cheese and ham toast, orange juice and 2 pain killers. I can't believe I drank so much last night

"Morning loser" Alex walks in, rubbing his eyes and grabbing a glass of water from the sink while swallowing 2 tablets.
" Your head throbbing too?" He must have a headache as well, he nods slowly.

"I feel like I could go blind it's so bad. Do you want ham on your toast?"

"Yes, please." he takes a seat at the breakfast bar and watches me work like usual; but, it's not long before everything is dished up and we're digging in. He seems like he usually does... which means he obviously doesn't remember what happened last night. Part if me is relieved but, the other is disappointed that he only did it 'cause he was drunk.

THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO RIVER.
Those are the 7 words I need to drill into my head.

He isn't in love with me.
We are best friends.
Not lovers.
Not boyfriends.
JUST FRIENDS
I think if I tell myself this enough I will start to believe it but, I know it's not true. My mum is a psychologist and talks about this stuff all the time but just this once I hope she's wrong.

"What's wrong mate?" Alex interrupts my thoughts I swear he can read my face/emotions.

But he called me "mate" he doesn't want me.
"What's up?" shit I said it out loud he heard me.

"I don't know I guess I'm just..." think river think " just worried... about school and having to look after Willow when mum goes to Singapore for her conference." he grabs my hand from across the table.
"Hey, don't stress alright. I'll be here to help. You'll be fine, you're an amazing big brother,"

"Thanks Alex." I am extremely nervous about my mum going away but, that's not what I was even thinking about, it's just I want him so bad but I can't have him, I just wish he would hold me again.

I look at our hands, he's still holding my hand. We make eye contact for a few seconds before I look back down at our hands but he doesn't pull away; He runs his thumb over the back of my hand, I can feel the butterflies in my stomach going mad and I can feel my face start to go red, so I quickly pull my hand away and continue breakfast.

He looks... disappointed?
Only for a second though then he quickly smiles and starts talking about last night.

"Soo do you have a crush on Grace? She seems cool, isn't she in your art class? I have bio with her," why is he still going on about her

"Nah, she's cool and all but not really my type. We were just hanging out while... you were kissing that girl. Hmmm who is she huh? Trying to pry into my love life about a girl I was just chatting with while you were down the hall sucking face with some random chick?" I laugh out that last bit how could I forget the whole reason I was with grace his face changes he looks shocked.

"You saw that?" I nod he looks disappointed

"Should I not have? Why do you look so disappointed? What's wrong?" What is going on is he hiding a girlfriend from me? Surely not.