the love story of two best friends

#4 "private thoughts"

(arizonas pov)
I was home now. I layed in my bed listening to music. I just layed there. I had tons of thoughts in my mind, I couldn't really calm down and sleep. I feel soo alone right now. But actually not just right now it's more an in general feeling. I don't wanna admit it to myself. When Callie moved with Penny I always thought: well okay you don't need someone then, just live your perfect single life. Callie was my everything. I don't wanna replace her. But I want someone. I wanna feel loved again. Wanna kiss again... All the stuff. I hate myself for keep thinking this. But there is one person. One person I really want. I can't... I don't know. It's overwhelming me. I felt something wet on my face. I started crying and I didn't even noticed. I felt so dumb right now crying over someone I can't even... I just can't. She is straight. And had a divorce yesterday. I.... The tears came faster... I tried to ignore everything. I mean the breakup is one and a half year ago. And I feel like she really needs someone now. I don't know since when... I wanted someone a couple moths ago again but I always suppressed the thought. I don't know if it's the same with her. Like... We are besties. Like literally best friends since 3 years. I think it developed after Callie left me. Slowly, so I didn't noticed it really. Until I visited her yesterday. And she fell asleep. It was kinda this feeling of I have someone now. I have someone I can talk to. I can have fun with. I can... I can't. This whole topic. I don't know what to do. But also I can't talk with someone. Maybe jo because I'm really close with her too. But I feel like I can't talk about this. I feel so stupid. I don't know if this has a chance. I doubt it. But I'm still so grateful to have her as my Bestie. I wiped the tears away and dried my hand on my blanket. My stump hurts too right now. I hate that the phantom limb has to come right now. I touched my stump but it did make everything worse. I was really done right now. I couldn't even move because it just hurted. I got a message. I took my phone and saw that April and Jo texted me. I locked it again and turned me on the side. I left my headphones in and tried to take some deep breaths.
(aprils pov)
I layed on my couch again and tried to sleep cause I have to get up very early tomorrow. I closed my eyes and layed there. I felt really bad to be honest. My phone was ringing. Jackson called me. I almost teared up. I don't want him calling me... Why does he call me... I muted my phone and ignored him. I miss her. I don't know why I've this weird feeling of missing her so bad right now. I enjoyed it so much with her. Arizona is always there when I need her. Always. I wanna talk to her about Jackson calling but it's very late right now. I messaged her "hey Arizona would u mind calling i really can't sleep and i have to tell you something."  I sent it. I feel better now. I hope she's okay and sleeping. But I also want her to answer.