the love story of two best friends

#17 „everything i wanted"

(aprils pov)
I sat on the couch while Az was coming in, she sat beside me and i gave her a slice of pizza. She smiled, and i knew I didn't had to say something. We watched TV and it reminded me so much of the day she came to me a few months ago when I needed her. Now she needs me and I need her. The day ended kind of good considering how it began. At the moment I'm laying here cozy with a blanket, pizza and Az stroking my head. Still feel like I will have trouble falling asleep tonight though, this day was rough. We ate all of the pizza and treated ourselves with some ice-cream.

(amelias pov)
The 15th of December. It was that day again. I semi survived work and now I'm home, of course no one knew what today is about. The pain is still there and I know it will never pass, i accepted it. The day was hard that's why the call from Addie really made me emotional. We haven't seen each other in a while but we are texting almost every week. She thought of me today, and I really appreciate that.
I tried to sleep but obviously I couldn't. I wish I could just throw two or three sleeping pills in my throat and shut down the world, but not for me. I layed in bed for like two hours and thought about everything, how much I love and miss him... my little unicorn. I sat on my couch and watched some chill netflix episodes to distract myself but it didn't work. April... I need April she will be the only one who will know how to help me and the only one I wanna be arroud right now. It took a while until she answered the call, which I understand because it was like 1 in the night and she was probabbly sleeping. „Amy...?“ „April? I'm sorry did I wake you up?“ „Yeah but it's fine, why are you calling? Is everything okay?“ „Today was that day again...“ I said and April knew right away what was happening because it was kind of a code word for us. „That day?...“ „Yes..“ „Do you want to come over I think it would help you.“ „okay“ „Text me if you're here please, okay I don't want Arizona to wake up from the doorbell“ „of course“ „and drive safe Amy“

(aprils pov)
She took of her jacket and followed me to the living room. We sat on the couch and I gave her a glass of water and another blanket. „Are u cold or is it okay“ „Its okay thank you.
I'm glad that I'm here now.“ How was work today? „I tried my best to act normal but after all these years all the feelings, thoughts and memories seem to keep coming back as it would have been yesterday. Nobody noticed anything at all. But you know I'm good in pretending that I'm alright when I'm about to cry, except for you, nobody can tell when I'm hiding my real feelings.“ „Maybe it's better... you didn't had to explain yourself.“ „yeah you're right. I just can't think of something that could make me feel better you now... I felt numb today like my mind were under water. If I would have thought too long I would have had a mental breakdown for sure. „I know the feeling and you know I'm not just saying that so you feel understood. We both have been through this.“ I know April. That is why you are the only one I can talk about that.“ „Does your AA group know?“ „I told them in last weeks meeting but most of them have their fake pity cause they don't really knoow what to say. But I don't blame them, so it's okay.“ „It's hard... but I'm so glad we have each other. I'll always be here for you.“ I gave her a hug and she sighed into my arm. „Are you hungry, we still have ice cream?“ „no... bad habit but I can't eat when I'm sad.“ She leaned my head against my shoulder. It was pretty narrow on that couch cause Az didn't made it into her bed before falling asleep. „Can I have Arizonas sleep, how hasn't she even moved since I'm here?“ Amy asked. I smiled. I know, its pretty hard to wake her up. I wasn't sure about the doorbell tho...“

(amelia pov)
We just layed there then April suddenly grabbed a candle out of the cupboard. „Time for one huh?“ I smiled. I love candles, they have always calmed me down and brought me my inner peace. She put the candle on the table. „Are you ready?“ I nodded. I was scared but I know I'm in a safe space. April lit up the candle and the smell of vanilla-lime filled the room. I never smelled such a scent but i love it. „it's for Christopher“ I whispered to her. It was the pain of the loss and the memories which kept repeating in my mind while staring at this candle. April was beside me praying. I felt all the emotions in myself and I knew I had to let them out otherwise it wouldn't end good. I took a deep breath and then started crying and had quite a mental breakdown. I couldn't stop and just pressed my face onto the pillow so nobody, nor myself had to hear it. April stroked my back, which at least made me feel less alone. I closed my eyes... Still was awake trying to listen to my breath.

(aprils pov)
I hope this helps her... As soon as she is sleeping it's gonna be better anyways.
I love writing poems, I keep them in my diary and only Amy knows some of them. I read it right now, since Amy reminded me of me the night after my baby boy died. I didn't know anythhig, what could make me feel better but writing poems kind of was at least something I could do whenever I wanted. It helped to clear my mind a little.

„lonely, but together with your sadness
you lay in your bed
try to stop worrying but then the water fills
your soul
and all you can do is cry
the thoughts are floating like ink
you try to stop them
they aren't afraid of the darkness“

I'm glad that we all are not on call tonight and tomorrow. I would't want any of us to leave right now. It's became kind of a intimate moment and especially me and amy are very connected in a way right now. Plus I'm so happy Arizona to be here. I just love her so much.
I heard a rustling in the direction in which Az lays. „Are u awake Az?“ She mumbled a yes. „Are you crying?“ Amy layed behind me so she didn't saw her at first. I told her that Amy needed some company right now, I don't think she knew the background story so I decided to leave it that way. I was still stroking her back not knowing if she fell asleep already. „Aren't you tired sweetie?“ „by now... yes. Should we go to bed?“ „Can I stay here I don't feel like moving?“ she said „Of course, I think its better for amy too“ She layed under her blanket and you barely could see her face but I think she slept, so I blew the candle out and said goodnight to Az