Okay

.2.

I went to the first bar I passed, it's loud and packed, everyone on a level I can't reach.

Ordering a Miller Lite and a shot of whiskey from the bar, I lean against it. The tables are all pushed to the side, the bar stools stacked along a wall to prevent people from sitting. There's a DJ blasting old shitty rap that we used to play relentlessly in high school, thinking we were cool.

I down my shot, discarding the glass on the bar as I scan the crowd. Everyone's full of life, laughing, dancing.

It all just makes me feel more alone.

Dropping my head, I scroll though my phone pretending I've got something interesting to look at. In all reality, I'm not on any socials anymore and I never will be again.

All they do is remind me of everything I'll never have, never be.

The music is so loud I can feel the bass rumble through my body but even that doesn't make me feel anymore alive than normal.

"Who died?" My head snaps up to the sound of a voice in my ear, a hand touching my shoulder.

There's a girl beside me, mahogany hair spilling over her shoulders and blue eyes sparkling at me. Her lips are painted a deep red, the color of lust and I can't keep myself from looking at them.

"No one." I smile.

"Then why do you look so miserable." She asks.

She squeezes her body in beside me, smashed between another guy's back and me.

I almost tell her that I look miserable because I am. But I know that's not what she wants to hear.

"I was just waiting for a pretty woman to introduce herself and alas, here you are." She giggles slightly, her smile widening.

"Want to buy me a drink?" Her hand lands on my chest, warm through my shirt.

"I was hoping you'd ask, what are you having?" Turning to face the bar, I flag the bartender down.

Linking her arm through mine, her head leans against my shoulder.

"Surprise me."

She looks like an expensive cocktail type of girl, something vodka with sugary fillers so she can get drunk without realizing it.

So that's exactly what I ordered, some over priced martini with an obnoxious name. I order another two shots of whiskey and a beer, downing both shots before I turn back to her.

"Are you here with anyone?" She asks.

I shake my head no. "Flying solo tonight, yourself?"

Pointing to two other girls across the bar she tugs me toward them. I follow willingly.

"Hello ladies." I greet.

They bat their eyelashes, one of the girls cheeks going red before she stares at the ground.

"He's cute." Another one say to the girl I bought a drink for.

She smiles at her friend, pulling herself closer to me. There's obviously some tension between the two so I throw my arm around her, making sure to focus on her.

Girls want to be the sole focus of a guy's attention, I've found. So I give this girl my attention, compliment her, buy her drinks and as sad as it is to admit, that's usually all it takes to end up in bed with her. Which isn't necessarily my main objective but people don't want to hear that you're afraid to be alone. That you can't trust yourself when you are. That maybe you don't want to. That one of these times, I'm going to be alone and there won't be anyone to stop me. And I'll do it. I'll kill myself even though everyone keeps telling me not too.

Because I can't feel anything anymore.

                            ————————

"Wake up!"

Warm hands shove me, waking me from a peaceful sleep.

"Sorry." I mumble, my eyes blurry as they take in my unfamiliar surroundings.

Where am I again?

I rub at my eyes, a dull ache in my skull as I recount the bar and all the alcohol.

"I need you out. Here's your clothes." She dumps them on me, still naked herself as she rifles through her drawers.

"Oh yeah." Standing slowly, I tug my boxers back on.

"Faster please." She pushes. "My boyfriend is almost here."

My head snaps up, my speed increasing as I yank my jeans up over my hips. "Your boyfriend?"

She never said a damn thing about a fucking boyfriend last night. She didn't act like she had a boyfriend when she fucked me either.

"Yeah, boyfriend." She snaps.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" It slips out of me before I can think twice.

She rolls her eyes, dressed now in a pair of white sweats and pink shirt as she smooths out her sheets.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" She barks back. "Had to listen to your sob story all night, you're messed up."

All the annoyance rushes from me, her words dancing through my mind. I am fucked up. Who am I to judge her? Besides, I slept with my best friends girl. It's not like I'm a stranger to doing shitty things. I stuff my things into my pockets, the shirt I wore out over my shoulder before I cram my feet into my boots without tying them.

The least I can do is get out of her way.

"Lock the door behind you!" She calls after me.

I'm out the door a moment later, shrugging into my shirt as I speed walk down the hallway to the elevators. Pounding my fingers into the down button, my heart slamming in my chest from dehydration and sudden exertion. I feel like shit.

The doors ding and I step in, relief that the elevator is empty. I stoop down tying my boots as I ride the elevator to the lobby. There's a good chance I might throw up.

I'm still crouching when the doors open, my fingers still a little drunk from the alcohol that's lingering in my blood. Standing, my vision blacks out for a moment and I stagger through the open doors into the lobby, colliding with something, or someone.

"You okay man?" Turns out its a someone.

Blinking I try to wash away the black spots that dot my eyes, a guy my age standing in front of me, a bouquet in his arms. He has a hand on my shoulder, trying to steady me.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm good. Just stood up too fast." I flash him a smile but I'm nauseated with myself. "Thanks."

He could be anyone, but let's be honest. It's her boyfriend.

He tells me to "take care" and I rush for the exit, heart pounding in my chest.

I head for my apartment, boots scraping against the concrete as the world weighs down on me. The only thing running through my mind is what a piece of shit I am.

                           —————————

Okay so a few things.

I'm about to get on a plane! Literally on my way to the airport now. Yay vacation! Where am I going you ask?

Oh I just hijacked the hubs business trip and now I get to spend the weekend in Vegas baby!

Secondly it's Valentine's day and because I love you I'm going to double update but you have to wait until I land for the second one. Plus while I was busy writing and getting ready to post @Rensk3n and I were chatting and she definitely demanded a double update.

Oh I'm just playing, I asked if she thought ya'll wanted one and she was like "uh don't ask dumb questions of course we do" <not a direct quote but you get the picture. So anyway. Let's party! It's a double update day! And the next time you hear from me I'll be in Las Vegas raising hell (mostly solo)!