Okay

.58.

*Trigger warning*

It won't stop.

None of it.

I've tried. I swear to fucking god I tried but I can't.

After I hung up with my dad, I broke down, cycling through a rang emotions frantically.

But as I fall to the floor, chest heaving, skin slick with sweat, I stare out of the balcony windows and there's one thought thats still constant.

My hands are shaking, my skin ripped open on one of my knuckles and I suck the blood off.

How am I supposed to live like this?

This isn't a life.

I let my eyes drift to the balcony. That fucking balcony that's been teasing me this entire time. But I already decided. That's not how I'm gonna do it.

Grabbing a knife I pulled from one of my drawers in the kitchen, I grab some of the curtains I ripped down off the windows. I set to work, my mind focused, body calm for the first time in a long time, as I start the task at hand.

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"Hey Mo. I kept my promise." I say into my phone. "It's okay, don't beat yourself up for not answering."

Leaning forward, I rest my arms on my knees, the left over makeshift rope I made from the curtains pooled on the floor. "I'm sorry."

My voice suddenly hitches, my eyes filling with tears. I know that if Mo had answered, he would have tried to save me just like he did before, maybe he would have, I don't know. And I know when he finally checks his voicemail he's going to drop what he's doing to try again. I feel like shit knowing that I'm going to hurt him, that I'll hurt Birdie. Holt even. I know they care. But I can't do this anymore. I can't keep smiling when I feel so broken inside.

"I tried Mo, I swear I did. I did everything you asked. But I just can't do it anymore."

Somethings wrong with me. And I don't think any amount of trying will ever fix it.

"I uh...I left you a letter. It's on the counter with two more. I'm giving you control on everything, my will's in there, so don't lose it." I try to force out a laugh because everything feels too heavy but it doesn't come. "The other two are for Birdie and Holt. I know it's a lot to ask but can you do me one last favor and make sure they get them?"

Wiping at the tears that have fallen down my face I look up. I shoved all my furniture to the side, a lone chair in the middle. I still hate this apartment.

"I swear I love her. I'm sorry that I'm gonna hurt her Mo, I am. I told her not to waste her time with me but she's too much like her old man."

She's been the only thing keeping me here. It's not that I haven't thought about doing this sooner. I have. I just kept hoping the feeling would go away. But it hasn't.

And I guess maybe it never will.

"I love you Mo."

My chest constricts and a sob threatens to burst from me but I don't want Mo to know I'm crying finally. I don't want him to think my last few moments I was alone, sobbing, hoping he would save me.

I'm not going to burden him with that too.

So I end the call. Releasing the sob once I let my phone slip from my hands, it falls to the floor. My whole body trembles, a strangled sound escaping my mouth. I'm desperate. I just want it to stop.

And this is the only way I know it will. Forcing myself up, I wipe roughly at my face with my hands as I look at the rope hanging from the exposed beams of my ceiling. This will make it all stop.

Walking to the kitchen counter where the remainder of my antidepressants are already crushed and waiting, I glance at the envelopes. I hope they're enough. I hope that Birdie and Holt know I love them, that there was nothing they could do, I just can't anymore.

I cut the powder into a line and hold my finger against the side of my nose, inhaling with everything I have. I've never snorted antidepressants but it's got to do something, a back up plan. Just incase. I repeat the process until it's gone, setting the bottle on the counter in plain sight. I'm trying to make everyone's job easier. Lessen the burden.

And then without another look, I climb onto the chair, facing out the windows that span the balcony and slip my head through the rope.

There's a beautiful sunset. Hot pink and brilliant orange streaking through the night sky as it creeps down from space. I allow myself just a moment to think of Birdie and Holt. Their faces, both of them smiling. It brings a new wave of tears to my face and they fall down my cheeks in hot relentless streams.

Snapping my eyes shut, I swallow hard, feeling the fabric against my skin, soft and giving for the time being.

I take a deep breath, raising my foot to the back of the chair. The sob that has been trying to burst out of me releases. I wish something inside me wanted to hang on, but there isn't. There's nothing left. Kicking the chair out from underneath me, I release the air from my lungs one last time, my eyes fixed on the pink in the sunlight before me as the rope tightens around my neck.

                           —————————
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I will be following this chapter up with the remainder of the chapters plus an author's note.