Okay

.32.

"Aren't these like the best?" Vee says, a bite full of pastry in her mouth as she sips from the coffee she showed up at my door with.

I'm not hungry but I eat it anyway, something smothered in cheese and a jalapeño. I'll give her credit, despite my lack of appetite, it's still good.

"This is my favorite place for breakfast." She continues on as though I've answered. "I found it one time when I was with my friend..."

My eyes fixate on the floor, the coffee burning my hand even though there's a cardboard coozie on it as I pinch the pastry in my other hand. I've lost track of Vee's voice as my mind drifts around. It's been mostly on Holt ever since the other night when I was over at the Lincoln's for dinner.

He leaves to go back to Chicago in a week, an answer for his agent in tow. I hope he listens to me.

Something raps against my door, startling me. Vee laughs at my surprise, heading for my door when I can't seem to get my body to move. I'm slow to process everything as I watch her reach out for the door knob and pull it open.

"Oh, do I have the wrong door?"

"Depends." Vee is all smiles as she talks. "Who you looking for?"

My brain finally registers that it's Birdie and I shove myself off the counter where I've been leaning. "Hey."

I step into the frame, trying to smile even though I feel like such a dick for blowing her off. I'm sure she knows I was at Holt's, the two of us even made plans to play ball a few more times before he leaves for Chicago.

"Come in." Vee steps backs.

Birdie gives me a quick hug and it's then I realize my hands are still full. I try to keep the pastry out of her curls.

When we part, she turns to Vee with a friendly smile and says "Hi I'm Birdie. I'm an old friend."

I'm a little out of sorts watching as Vee shakes her hand and tells Birdie her name.

"I'm Drew's floor neighbor." Vee tells her. "Found this guy trying to break into my apparent in the middle of the night drunk." She flicks her hand at my chest but I'm too busy watching Birdie. Her shoulders stiffen and I watch the muscles in her neck contract as she swallows, creating ridges that cast shadows on her skin in the morning sunlit that streams through my windows. "Had a few too many drinks with friends."

But Birdie hides the tension that Vee's story builds inside her well, even as she turns toward me a radiant smile on her face. "He's a good guy even when he's drunk."

My hearts pounding harder than normal in my chest. I'm not sure if it's from dehydration or the fact that Birdie's here.

"Well I was getting ready to leave, just thought I'd drop him off some breakfast." Vee looks at me and winks. "It was nice meeting you Birdie."

And a moment later the door clicks shut and Birdie's hazel eyes meet mine and I feel sick to my stomach. Discarding the pastry and coffee onto the counter, I stare at my feet. I'm not exactly sure why Birdie's here but I have a good idea and no part of me wants to explain myself.

"Are we not friends anymore?" She asks me.

Fear rockets through me and the thought of losing Birdie as a friend scares me. I know I can't have her romantically but I need her as a friend.

"Of course we are." My voice sounds off.

"Then why doesn't it feel like that Drew?"

She's standing there, so perfect. A matching athletic outfit on, the top cropped slightly showing the lines and dimples of her six pack. The fabric is that soft pink color that she always wore in high school, it contrasts her rich skin. Her dark curls are piled on her head but they never seem to stay where she puts them, tendrils loose and falling around her face.

And even though I know I shouldn't, I can't seem to stop myself as I take a couple large steps toward her.

My fingers play with a loose curl, my eyes trailing over the features of her face. Trying to commit the angles and curves to memory even more than they already are.

Hazel eyes dance between mine, drawing me in. Now that she's standing here, that we're so close I'm not sure I can refrain from kissing her.

Apparently she's having the same issue because the next thing I know her lips are on mine and I'm pulling her flush against me. I'm desperate, need coursing through my veins, my thoughts focused on just her for the moment and the relief I receive from it is overwhelming. Her lips part slightly, as she breathes my name into my mouth.

It snaps me out of my selfishness and I pull away abruptly, running my hands over my face.

"I'm sorry." I tell her. "I shouldn't have done that."

"Why not?"

I can't turn around and look at her. I'll just end up kissing her again. So I close my eyes, my heart slamming. Birdie won't give up on me easily, just like Mo but I have to make her understand. I'll just ruin her.

"I'm messed up Hannah." My voice desperate and broken.

"It's okay."

"No it's not." I throw my hands in the air before running them through my hair and clamping them down on the back of my neck. "You don't want me, I promise."

"Drew..."

"No." Everything feels heavy, so heavy my legs can no longer keep me standing and I drop into a chair. "I know everyone wants me to just be fucking fixed or whatever. But I'm not."

I can feel tears trying to flood my eyes but I swallow them down, chuckling slightly even though I know that's the wrong response.

"I don't want to be alive Hannah." The words sound strange coming from my mouth, like my voice is too light hearted even though I'm completely serious. "I-I'm just tired."

My shoulders sag, weighted down by trying to pretend I'm fine.

"I don't believe you." Birdie says, fierceness in her voice as I listen to her feet carrying her across the floor.

Shaking my head, I wish that someone would just understand. That they'd just let me go. I don't want to be saved. I don't think I can be.

Lifting my eyes I meet her hazel ones bright and clear even though there are tears in them. "You should."

"Well I don't."

I can't look at her, I won't do what I did to Jaelyn to Birdie. "You deserve to be with someone you don't have to worry about Hannah. I can't sit here and tell you that I don't still want to kill myself. That I won't try."

"Don't talk like that Drew." Shes crying.

I'm a piece of shit.

"It's the truth though."

She sits down next to me, her hands wrapping around my arm as she tips her head to my shoulder. I breathe in honey and lemon, my body relaxing at the scent.

"I'm sorry."

I feel her shift so her chin is on my shoulder, her nose inches from my face, her warm breath tickling my skin.

"You don't want me." I say it again.

"Why wouldn't I?" She asks quietly.

Letting out a sigh, I feel like I'm being smashed into the ground by this weight I just can't shake. No matter what I do. I can't get out from under it.

"Drew." She pushes.

I want to ease some of the tension. Mostly for myself. But also for Birdie. I love Birdie. I love her more than I ever thought possible. My head hangs farther as grief consumes me.

Birdie kisses my cheek and I lean into her, wanting so badly for this feeling of emptiness within me to be filled. For her to spark life and hope back into my soul. That I can hold on to it.

"I'm not going anywhere Drew." She tells me. "Regardless of what you say."

                             ————————

Drew's got ladies everywhere 😳.