Okay

.55.

I've been agitated all day. Restless.

Out of my god damn mind.

My hands won't stop shaking and I can't keep my thoughts from slipping to dark places.

Dr. Gregory is scanning my journal. The hot topic I was required to write about happened to be yet another list. 10 things I liked about myself.

It was the hardest list so far.

"You didn't write anything Drew." Dr. Gregory comments and I nod.

I haven't been able to sit yet, I'm just pacing back and forth behind the small couch. My chest is tight, my heart pounding. I don't know why.

"There isn't anything to like."

He leans back in his chair, his eyes tracking me as I walk a couple feet, turn around, walk back, and repeat.

I'm fucking exhausted right now.

"I'm sure we can come up with something." He says softly.

It's his calm voice, the one that's supposed to counteract my crazy. It's not.

"Would you like to sit Drew?"

I shake my head 'no' even though sitting sounds more relaxing than what I'm doing but if I sit, I'll just end up standing up again.

"I'm not okay Doc." I blurt out.

"Tell me what's going on."

"They're not working." I'm frustrated.

"Whats not working Drew?"

I glance at Dr. Gregory on one of my passes. He's sitting so passively, calm, his words slow and steady like I'm not running out of time. Like each day that my eyes open isn't a fucking miracle.

"The drugs." I bark at him, bracing my arms against the back of the couch. My pacing momentarily paused.

"You have to give things time Drew." Dr. Gregory tells me. "It's only been a week and a half."

I don't have time. Not enough of it anyway. Every time I wake up I'm fucking surprised I made it another day. I can't do this anymore. Somethings gotta give and I'm afraid it's gonna be me.

"No doc, they're not working." I feel a little hysterical as I insist, clutching my hands in my hair. "You're supposed to fix me! And you're not fucking doing shit!"

I tug at the strands that are clutched between my fingers. I'm desperate for some relief. For the thoughts to subside, for this anxious, jittery feeling to dissipate but nothing seems to change no matter what I do. My chest is tight, my eyes burning but as usual no tears come.

"What the fuck is wrong with me?"

Why I can't I just be okay?

It's not like I don't see my life and realize it's okay. It's not great but I got more than a lot of people. Especially now.

"Lets take a deep breath." Dr. Gregory states but all it does is make me want to lose it.

"No you don't fucking get it!" I throw my hands into the air before lacing my fingers behind my neck. "Why can't I sit the fuck down?"