Okay

.18.

I've been buying everyone drinks, the ladies we bought the Blue Hawaii's for cozied up to Alec and Owen despite Owen's continual efforts at telling the one he's taken.

And then there's Amanda.

I gave her my seat, her back against the bar as she looks up at me. It's mostly been the standard bar talk, why are you out tonight, what do you do for a living type bullshit but I'll take it. Any company is better than myself.

Owen pulls his wallet out, fishing through the bills that are tucked in and pulls some cash out to hand to me. I wave him off.

"Don't worry about it."

"Don't be such a fuck and take it, you're not paying for my drinks." He barks at me.

We stare off for a moment even though we both know I'll be the first to cave. I always was. I still am.

He shoves the money into my palm as he stands, grabbing his cane. "My woman's home, I'm out."

I watch as Alec and him hug and then he turns to me and for just a second I think he's going to give me one too but then he nods his head and limps his way through the crowd.

I don't blame him.

Amanda reaches up, her hand cold against my face as she gently brings my gaze back to her. "Want to get out of here?"

I glance to Alec, the one friend that Owen wouldn't give his time of day to lingering beside as the other one snuggles up against Alec. His eyes meet mine and he jerks his head to the door.

Turning back to Amanda, I force a smile on my face and say "yeah."

She smiles and I slide my card across the bar. A few minutes later, Alec, Amanda and I are on the sidewalk. The night air has a little chill to it.

"You didn't want to hang out with either?" I ask Alec.

Amanda's wrapped around my arm, my hands stuffed in my jeans when she shivers. I offer her my jean jacket and after a slight bit of protest she takes it.

"Once I mentioned Aiden they were both out. Apparently getting a divorce and being a dad isn't sexy." He laughs.

"Their loss. I'd go home with you any day." I say.

Alec barks out more laughter. "I'm parked right there, you good man?"

I glance at Amanda who's tucked under my arm and she bites her lip. "Yeah, I'm good. I'm gonna walk Amanda home."

Alec holds his hand out and I grab it before he yanks me into a hug, Amanda coming with me.

"Call me, if it changes." He says.

"Will do." I don't bother trying to disagree. "I'll get a hold of a lawyer for you tomorrow too. Get you set up."

I already know exactly who I'm going to call. Ruthless like her old man, a powerhouse in the court room. Knowledgeable and cunning and I know for a fact she's won more cases than she's lost. Best part, before she made the switch to criminal law she was an attorney in the family court. Also helps she's a family friend, practically grew up with her at all my parents stiff outings when they'd still drag me along. She's one of the few that I didn't completely hate. Still see her from time to time.

"I'd appreciate Drew, really, I'll owe you." He says and I sort of want to puke.

"No, seriously Alec. I'm happy too."

It takes another moment before Amanda and I are alone, walking the streets. My head is fuzzy from the alcohol, fingers tingling as they hold Amanda's.

"My place is just another block or two." She says.

But my mind is wandering. Ticking back through my life.

"You don't have a boyfriend right?" I ask suddenly and she laughs.

The lights cast shadows over the street as we walk, businesses fading out until we're left with just houses and townhomes.

"No, no boyfriend." She muses.

And I feel like I owe her an explanation. "Sorry, I just sort of have this habit of sleeping with girls that aren't single. On accident." Mostly.

"Well I guess I won't be another notch in that belt then."

I hate that I even have that belt.

"You got anymore whiskey at your place?" I ask, my buzz is wearing off.

"Not whiskey per say but I have alcohol." She smiles up at me and I force a smile back on my face.

"We should play a drinking game."

She untucks herself from my arm, skipping up the steps to a townhouse as she tosses over shoulder, "you're on."

She throws open her front door moments later and I step into a clean, decorated house. I follow behind her, kicking my shoes off and placing them with hers, she leaves my jean jacket on.

We end up in the kitchen and I watch her as she pulls out a couple bottles of liquor and some shot glasses. I wonder what she sees when she looks at me. When her brown eyes meet mine and the dim lights in the kitchen twinkle in them and she smiles. Does she see all that I've done? Can she tell I'm hanging on by a thread. One that's frayed and splitting with each day that passes and I'm just waiting for it to finally give way.

I almost ask her. But I'm not going to try and convince myself that she cares. I know why I'm here. I'm just as much a consolation prize for her as she is for me. I'm a trophy. I'm the guy that let her drink for free all night, the guy she picked up at the bar. The guy she took home and had meaningless sex with and it doesn't matter when she kicks me out the front door after she's used me.

Getting drunk no longer seems pertinent. So I cross the kitchen, stilling her hands as they twist off a cap with my own. My body presses against her back, as I slowly brush her long hair to the side, exposing a slender neck. I take my time, leaning closer, my fingers grazing her skin before I press my lips to her neck. Her head tilts to the side, hands reaching up to tangle in my hair as she releases a sigh.

Trailing kisses up her neck, to her jawline, she shifts, arms snaking around my neck and I lift her to the counter where she wraps her legs around me. Her lips find mine, sloppy and wet and even though the thought of her saliva covering my face grosses me out, I don't stop her.

I'll tolerate anything if it means I'm not alone.

                            ————————

My heart is torn up.

My husband's best friend died yesterday in a car accident. 28 years old.

How fucked up is that.

Life is incredibly precious. It's stupid that it takes moments like this, horrible fucking moments, for us to remember to hold our loved ones close and tell them we love them.

The single handedly most beautiful thing about my husband is his heart and how he loves completely unabashedly and it's killing me seeing him like this.