Okay

.56.

Birdie's fingers trace along my bare skin but I can't focus on it. I haven't been this whole time.

I'm going through the motions.

And I can't do it anymore.

I can't do this to Birdie.

"Drew?" Her voice is low, quiet.

"Hmm?"

She's silent for a moment, shifting so that her head is no longer on my chest and she's looking at me. I don't want her to though and I already know the question that's going to follow.

Before I can think twice, I lie. "I'm fine Hannah."

"I'm sorry, I'm just worried." She says, her fingers playing in my hair.

Annoyance fills me. I told her not to let me do this. I told her I'd just end up hurting her but she didn't listen.

I grind my teeth together, holding it in because the last thing I want to do is be a dick on top of it. Besides, I'm not sure where all this irritation is coming from exactly.

"I'm trying." I mutter.

It doesn't feel like trying anymore. It feels like desperation at the tail end of a long fucking fight and I'm just ready to give up.

"You know that I love you right?" Her voice hitches and instinctively I tighten my hold on her. "So does Holt and my dad and so many people Drew."

She's one word away from crying and I can't see that. I can't lay here and see her cry because of me. So I tuck a wild curl behind her ear, she leans into my open palm.

"I know Hannah, I promise. I love you too."

And I do.

But honestly, I'm not sure it's enough at this point.

                             ————————

I throw my head back and laugh at Max as he recounts a story of Chelsea walking in on him masturbating to a picture of her brother. Birdie keeps stealing glances at me, the worry in her eyes so prevalent it makes me sick to my stomach. My leg bounces under the table as I try to fight the urge to move.

"Disgusting." Chelsea barks. "It's disgusting, my brother's an idiot."

Max shrugs. "A hot idiot."

"Has he always been so horny?" Max's boyfriend Zach asks, smiling at Max.

Everyone nods their head.

"How come you never hung out with us in high school?" I ask. "I mean before."

My eyes momentarily meet Owen's but as usual I can't figure out what I see so I assume the worst.

"My god. I would have died to hang out with you guys. Zach, we used to call these three "the trifecta"." Max air quotes the words. "They were all athletic, popular and gorgeous."

"Whoa, are you saying we aren't now?" Owen asks and Mina rolls her eyes.

"Well the trifecta kind of died mid senior year." Max says.

I feel Birdie turn to look at me but I just take a long drink from my beer and avoid everyone's eyes.

"What happened senior year?" Zach asks innocently, his words trailing off as the tension builds in the room around us.

We've got a table at that shit bar, there's only a handful of other people here like usual and we take up the front off the place.

"Did something happen?" Zach asks.