Okay

.27.

I wake to the warm pillow I'm cuddle against moving. My head gently being placed back down. I can already tell I'm hungover, keeping my eyes shut while I still can.

"Hey." A soft voice says quietly. "Yeah. Sleeping." There's a pause before she continues. "Around one. He was pretty drunk."

I will myself to fall back asleep where everything is still and dark and I don't have to remember anything.

"No, dad, just leave it. Let him skip." She says. "Yeah, I get it but if he's with me he's okay too."

The fact that Birdie thinks I need to be babysat makes me even more disgusted with myself, no matter how true it seems to be. I roll to my back, letting my arm fall across my eyes to shield them from the light.

"Alright, love you daddy." She whispers into the phone.

I let my arm drop from my face, cracking my eyes open even though it hurts. It takes me just a moment for her silhouette to not be blurry, her back still to me. She's got these sweat shorts on, they're short showing off her long tan legs. A baggie shirt that's bunched at the waistband of her shorts and a pair of gray socks pulled midway up her calves. She looks so much like she did back in high school standing there.

She takes a deep breath and then spins around, a smile lights up her face when her eyes meet mine.

"Sorry did I wake you?" She asks.

I shake my head slowly, forcing my body upright even though my head feels like it might split open.

"I should probably get going." My voice is like gravel, a low rumble in my chest, my throat sore.

"Actually, I was wondering if you wanted to hang out? I don't have any plans and it's Saturday." There's a playful note to her voice, a little mischievous and it makes me smile.

And I know she's just doing it to babysit me but I still say "okay" adding as an afterthought "but I stink."

She laughs. "Let me go change and then we can go back to your place and you can get cleaned up."

I watch her until she disappears through a doorway, amazed out how she exists, how she's even willing to consider us friends. How I kissed her. How I want to do it again.

But there's no way I can. No matter how badly I want to. And the thought has he melting into her couch with defeat.

                              ———————

We started with breakfast, stopping at the first place we passed once we left my apartment. As I ate, chugging water like my life depended on it, I slowly distanced myself from the hangover threatening to subdue me for the rest of the day. It probably helped that Birdie sat across from me, smiling and laughing as we talked.

My heart couldn't keep up, surging with energy as Birdie and I reminisced.

After we ate, we walked the streets, weaving ourselves through the throngs of people out on the streets on a beautiful summer Saturday. The sun felt warmer, brighter, as it beat down on us kissing the world and illuminating it with life.

I hadn't noticed the sounds of the birds chirping in the trees, or the way the sunlight made the flowers more vibrant or the way the wind tickled the branches of the trees sending the leaves into a sensual dance.

Why couldn't the world always look like this?

"Let's sit, we've been walking for forever." Birdie smiles at me as she points off to a park filled with massive old Oaks dotted throughout it.

I follow her, taking a seat beside her once she selects a tree to seek some shade from. Our shoulders are pressed against each other as we stare out at all the other park goers.

Everyone looks happy as they laugh and smile and execute their day.

"Drew?" Birdie says my name and I turn my gaze to look at her only to realize she's been staring at me.

"Hmm?" My eyes meet hers and I fight the urge to kiss her again.

"Jaelyn didn't deserve you." She tells me.

Sucking in a breath, I drop my head, staring at the dirt below.

"Someone who truly loves you won't leave you when you need them." Her hand lands on my arm, my nerves tingling below the warmth of her skin.

I've had a lot of time to reflect back on Jaelyn and I. I've decided my heads to fucked to really know what was right and wrong about us.

Lifting my eyes back up to Birdie's to tell her I'm fine or some lame version of it, the words escape my head and my mind stills. All there is is honey and lemon and hazel eyes and sun kissed skin and black wild curls and I can't think straight as my eyes lower to her full pink lips.

I tell myself I shouldn't, but there's no real conviction behind it because I want to. So I lean closer, our foreheads meeting, breath mingling and I close my eyes, imagining the way she tastes, how she feels. I imagine a life where I'm not broken and I'm enough and I haven't fucked up a million times.

And then I kiss her again.

She says my name against my lips but this time she doesn't pull away and I press mine back to hers. I'm desperate to pull her closer, to deepen the kiss to lay her flat on her back in the soft summer grass as our bodies press against each other.

Her hand lands on my chest and I wonder if she can feel my thundering heart. If she realizes that she did that, she made it beat again.

I tangle my hand into her dark curls as we continue kiss and I silently pray that she never stops. That she'll let me stay here kissing her for forever.

But eventually she pulls away slightly, our foreheads once again coming to rest on each other's and my chest is heaving as my lungs try to suck in more air and I can't bare to open my eyes as I admit the truth.

"I have wanted to do that since high school."

"What?" She sounds shocked, pulling father back.

Opening my eyes, I let my hand that's still lost in her hand gently slide down her jawline, the pad of my thumb skimming over her pink lips.

"I shouldn't have kissed you." I don't answer her question.

"Why not?" Its a breathy answer, hurt and confusion lingering in the space between it.

I need to be honest with her. That the overpass wasn't a mistake. That I'm certain I can't be fixed and that for once in my life I don't want to be selfish even though I realize that kissing her is probably the most selfish thing I could possibly do.

But I'm not good at this and I lose the words before I even try to speak them and we fall into silence until Birdie says, "kiss me again".

So I do because I never have been good at doing what's right.

                           ————————

My brother stole the hubs for the weekend. For all you that have been with me for a while and read my ramblings you'll that means I won't be sleeping for the next two nights. Why is the bed so big? Why is it so cold? How did I ever sleep alone? 😫

That being said, guys I'm on chapter 44. Would you catch up already? Gees you're slow as shit. 😂