Okay

.12.

I haven't left my apartment.

I'm waiting for Mo to force me out.

Maybe I actually sound like I'm sick, the lie I told to get out of group today, hoping to ride the lie straight through the A/A meeting he's determined to make me go to tomorrow. Though I know he won't let me miss Dr. Gregory. I'll have to be dead before that happens.

I pluck my phone from the coffee table as it vibrates, a text confirming that I'm a dick waiting for me. I canceled on her, last minute the night before. And of course nurse Birdie is trying to come to my rescue, offering to bring me soup and tea.

I keep trying to convince her all I need is sleep. And much like her father she's trying to convince me otherwise.

But I'm not sick.

I just can't do life and if I'm forced to I can't guarantee I won't be making that phone call. And I don't want to make it. I don't want to run the risk of him answering and stopping me again.

So for the time being I'm staying holed up in my dirty apartment.

I've momentarily satisfied my dad, staying up late into the night reading every word of the plan I had approved because I was frustrated and annoyed with him. As much as I hate to admit it, he was right. There was a lot of shit that needed to be adjusted. I sent out the changes, made some tweaks myself and sent it along in the early hours. By the time my head hit the pillow my mind was more than willing to welcome sleep.

Currently I'm sprawled out on the couch, in a pair of joggers and a hoodie even though it's the middle of summer. It's stale and stuffy in my apartment because I'm too lazy to open a window or turn the ac up. The TV murmuring in the background, too low for anyone to actually hear including me but I'm not even watching it. Staring at the exposed beams of the ceiling, watching the fan blades whiz by in a monotonous circle. The chains clinking together as they rattled with the movement.

I almost called Jaelyn, the weight of my phone on my chest beckoning me to do so even though she told me not.

My mind won't stop tormenting me with what ifs. What if I wasn't so lonely? So depressed? What if my feelings were worth acknowledging, like if I actually had a legitimate reason for feeling the way I did? What if I had the ability to be more open about it all? Would she have loved me more? Would she have stayed?

I can't stand it, my phone practically burning a hole in my chest. Unlocking it, my eyes straining from the artificial light I open up Jaelyn's thread I still haven't been able to delete. That awful fucking last text I sent, desperate and needy when all the signs were there. We were on our "break" and there I was making a fool of myself, even the world already knew she'd found someone else.

And I was stupid enough to believe I was worth loving. That she loved me. That she'd actually stay.

I should have known. She loved Owen way more than she ever did me and she didn't stay with him.

But I still would take her back.

I can't stand to see how often I told her I loved her, how many times she didn't say it back.  My own desperation makes me sick to my stomach and I toss my phone.

It clatters against the floor, a loud crack which only means one thing. The screen broke.

I don't have the energy to get up and check it.

                             ————————

My screen has a gnarly crack spidering across it but it still functions. At least well enough for me to call in some delivery. Mo's called three times, a text message threatening to come over if I don't respond soon. I figure soon is coming up so once I place my food, I call him back.

"I'm still alive." I mutter into the phone.

"That's not funny." He barks at me. "Why weren't you answering?"

I can hear the panic in his voice, relief not quite hitting him yet.

I don't have a good reason, I heard every time my phone alerted me. But it was across the room and I was on the couch and I was trying to convince myself to keep living.

"Phone was on silent, didn't hear it go off." I lie. "Sorry."

He finally breathes. "It's okay. It's fine. You just...you scared me. Feeling any better?"

"Not really."

"Sure you don't want me to come over? I can bring some food." He offers yet again, just like his daughter.

"Yeah, I don't want to get anyone sick."

Really I just don't want to see anyone. Plus I can't imagine Ava loves that Mo is constantly taking me places, checking in with me, helping me. She was awesome for the few weeks I stayed with them, I might not have ever left but I didn't want to push my luck. Besides I'm a grown ass man, how pathetic that I even need to be taken care of in the first place. Even if it is true.

Mo lingers on the phone silently, just our breath passing between the speakers. I know what he's thinking. He's wondering if he can trust me. If I'm just telling him what I think he wants to hear.

"I'm fine Mo, it's just a cold." I try to reassure but even I don't trust myself.

"You'll call, if you need anything yeah?"

I drop to the couch, picking at some of the protective plastic that's still on it.

"Yeah, I promise." I tell him.

He lets out a heavy breath. "I want to trust you Drew."

My eyes lift to the balcony that lies just outside the glass wall of my living room. I've been trying to ignore the thoughts in my head that beckon me there but they're loud right now. They've been loud, screaming in my head.

I silently tell Mo "don't".

Instead, I mumble, "you can".

                             ————————

I forgot to tell you guys, while I was in Vegas we went to a dispensary. Now I hate smoking so even though I've smoked weed a handful of times I've never smoked or vaped enough to get high. But the hubs bought some edibles. Long story short I ate too much and got so high. It was so nuts. Every two seconds the hubs was like you kept saying "how long has it been since I asked you for the time?" Over and over because 1 minute felt like 4 hours. I couldn't stop giggling, I probably looked like a crazy person. And then we went to an all you can eat sushi bar and apparently I became one with my chopsticks while experiencing 100 different dimensions. Then I had to put my chopsticks down and couldn't remember how to use them 😂. All in all that day feels like a weird dream that I only remember bits and pieces of my the hubs thinks it's hilarious and on the flight home I could hear him telling his plane neighbors behind me. I sat two rows in front. Doesn't he know what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?

Also Holt's chapter is tomorrow 😁. What do you think six years has done to Holt?