Saving All My Love

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    "Mom, I can't pretend like everything is okay, like you do. I do have fears, have worries. I care about how I handle shit, because I have a daughter that looks up to me; and children learn what they see!" I pace around mom's bedroom. "All of it. Everything I've been keeping a brave face for, is resurfacing. Mom; I can't take it anymore" I plead.

    I kept Josie home from daycare today. After that scare yesterday, I wanted to spend a little more time with her.

    We came over to moms to kill time. Josie soon feel asleep, and mom of course brought up the Dylan situation. I told her what happened at the zoo, and broke down. I didn't get to cry yesterday, or last night: cause Josie slept with me. All of my frustrations are coming out, and mom isn't helping in the least.

    "That's being a women, Ester. No one said it'd be easy".

    "I'm only 18, mom. I know getting pregnant at 15 wasn't smart, but it's not like I planned it. I love my baby, and everything she's taught me. I just need a break from it all. I feel like I'm going to die" I cry harder.

    All this emotion just crept up on me. There was so much I never got to do, due to being pregnant; than having a baby at home. I had to grow up fast, and no; it wasn't easy. I had to stop Boxing, no more hanging with friends, no more late nights, no nothing. I felt like the preachers kid who didn't rebel. I just want to be able to not make such a big deal of everything. The worries of being a mother are tiresome.

    For once in a long time; I felt my mother's love, as she put her arms around me. "Baby, I am so proud of you. Your life is absolutely perfect. This feeling you have, is the devil trying to sway you. Dylan is back, and you want him".

    "Mom" I whine.

    "You want him Ester, but don't want him to think you need him, or that it was okay; what he did. You are afraid to love" she squeezes me.

    She couldn't be any further from the truth. I just want to be selfish for a day or two, but I know I can't do that. I have to be responsible, and think of the consequences. The devil may try and sway me, but he'll lose.

    "Mom, stop making Dylan the issue here" I wipe my tears. "I'm just stressed, and I don't know how to handle it".

    She smiles, rubbing my shoulders, "I know how to handle it".

    I'm not smiling with her, "and how exactly is that, mom?".

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    Once Josie woke up, I took her out for lunch, and stopped by my school to see Felicity. I parked in the side parking lot, finishing the subway; we got.

    "Hey girl" City approaches the car.

    "Get in" I tell her.

    Mom's big idea, was a date with Dylan. I laughed so hard, I fell to the floor. That definitely made me ease up a bit. I was dead set against it, but she promised me something. Josie has been asking for a car; I know I can't afford. Mom offered to get one for Josie's birthday coming up. I of course am going to help pay for it, but just knowing I can surprise my baby girl with the only thing she's been asking for; I will do just about anything.

    Felicity plays with Josie, asking her for her perfectly colored nails. I was texting Dylan, making plans. Mom quickly called him, letting him know the deal.

    "But guess what?" I pull Felicity's attention to me. "Mom has up'd her tactics to blackmail".

    Usually when mother wants something, she guilts you into doing it; if you turn her down the first time.