Despite It All

Chapter 14

Logan: Hey... can we meet up somewhere? Talk?

Two days.

It's been two days since Logan rushed out of my apartment. So, I've had time. Time to assess and re-evaluate and anticipate. Time to do what I do best—harden my aching heart.

Still, I let the text sit. I've looked at it on and off for an hour, trying to will it away. Inherently, I know I need to face it—get it over with. Doesn't stop the ache in my chest, though.

An inhale. You're tough, Laur. You can do this.

Lauren: Sure. Same coffee shop?

A quick response.

Logan: Tomorrow? 11?

Lauren: See you then.

An exhale.

***

My heart beats wildly as I enter the cafe, heading towards Logan. He's sitting in a corner booth, looking worse for wear. His handsome face sports stubble along his jaw and furrowed eyebrows hover over pensive, tired eyes. And as soon as I see him, I know. I know I can't continue to pull him in all these directions. I know it's an uphill battle for him and he's already showing signs of defeat—it's written all over his face. I can't expect him to try to carry me with him through it all. He needs to get through it without worrying about me.

On the table are two coffees in large, steaming black mugs. An untouched blueberry scone sits on a small, oval plate, contributing to my despair. He's so thoughtful, so sweet. He tries to show me how he feels in little ways, like this. He takes care of me in the ways he knows how, and I know that one person only has so much of themselves they can give. God, do I know that. And he needs all of himself for Mia. He will hate himself if he can't do that for her. My heart aches for him, for us. For what could have been.

I slide across from him in the booth, startling him out of his deep thoughts. Tired eyes find mine. A small smile.

"Hey," his voice is low, quiet.

I return his small, unsure smile. "Hey."

Silence falls upon us, and for the first time ever... it feels awkward.

I wrap my hand around my mug, reveling in its warmth. I sip the hot, flavorful drink, allowing the heat to settle within me. I take another sip, searching for strength within it.

Timidly, I ask, "How is she?"

He looks down for a moment, chest moving with his deep breath.

"She's tough. Like I knew she would be. She had a fever so they had to draw blood cultures to see if she had an infection. They started her on IV antibiotics until the first set of blood culture results came back."

I nod, knowing very well how it works. A fever in a neutropenic patient is treated fairly aggressively to ensure that any infectious process that may be brewing is handled immediately. Broad spectrum antibiotics—usually cefepime and ceftriaxone—are administered to try to cover all aerobic and anaerobic microbes while the blood culture results come back, which takes a full 24 hours. Usually, the fever resolves before then. If the blood cultures come back negative, then the patient is usually able to go home as long as their symptoms are manageable and their neutrophil count is within reasonable limits. Depending on the severity of the fever and the preference of the physician on duty, two sets of blood cultures may be drawn and the patient will need 48 hours of antibiotics. Often, a source for the fever is never found.

Immunosuppression is a bitch.

"So is she home now? Feeling better?"

A small smile tugs at the corners of his mouth, "Yeah, she's back to being her loud and crazy self at home with her mom."