All for the good

1

May 2019

Nelli's Perspective:

I peacefully strolled along the isle's in ASDA. I contemplated whether I should put Siah on formula yet. I picked it up just in case. He was sound asleep. He looks just like his dad. He's so cute. He definitely has his dad's skin colour and his dads eyes. I went to the checkout and put my items on the conveyor belt and bagged my items when the cashier scanned them.

She was looking at my hands alot while I was putting the items in the bag.

"Wooww that ring is beautiful, is it an engagement ring?" She said in admiration.

She was talking about the ring Emmanuel got me before I went on holiday... I looked down at my hand and smiled.

"Noo it's just a promise ring..." My voice cracked while nearing the end of that sentence. The cashier looked at me weirdly and just asked me for the money.

I paid and left with the quickness. While going down the escalator. I couldn't help but think about it. I haven't really thought about him since the whole situation my main focus was getting it together for Siah... Its been 5 months since its happened and I haven't cried once. But today was different. My throat got dry, I felt like there was a lump in it. My eyes began stinging, I got to the end of the escalator and I couldn't move. My feet were frozen. I couldn't move yet I was shaking. I wanted to move, I really did. There were people behind me shouting rude slurs because I wasn't moving.

It was getting harder to breathe and I couldn't stand straight. I managed to push the stroller outside. A woman came up to me and asked "Are you okay?"

I lost it. I broke down in tears and I began wailing like a toddler who just got told no. My loud screams had woken up Siah who began crying too. I couldn't help him, I could barely control my emotions. The woman comforted me.

Why? Just why? Why me? My oldest brothers are in jail? The love of my life is dead? I have no family apart from V and even then I don't even live with him anymore. My life is a tragic mess, nothing good ever happens to me. I'm sick of this shit. Im sick and tired.

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I sat at home in my bedroom with Siah sleeping next to me. I turned off the lights and put the star LED lights for him. I took myself to the living room and got a blanket off the sofa and sat out on the balcony. I stared up at the sky. I sighed. I fiddled with my phone before calling Vianni.

He was here in about 20 minutes but he lives 40 minutes away. Ever since he got his license and his new car, he don't give a fuck about the law. As soon as he stepped on the balcony I broke down in his arms. I hadn't seen him in so long, since our last prison visit. I think late March, it's now May. I was deemed incapable of looking after him after I got out of hospital. He's been with a foster family in Enfield. They moved him far away because they're lowkey tryna separate him from the family. Because we're "bad news" whatever.

"It's fine Nelli, I've got you" He comforted me and sat me down on the chair outside. He sat across from me.

"What's wrong?" He asked me.

"I haven't cried since that day V, I miss him. I miss Emmanuel. I'm just so lonely. I mean I have Siah but I just... I can't explain. Sometimes I'm good, I feel like I got this. Other days I just get sad. I try my hardest not to think about him but its hard. Especially since I got his birthday tattooed on my shoulder and his name on my wrist. Then I look at my right shoulder and I see Siah's birthday, the day his dad died. I don't want Siah to live without a dad either, but what can I do? He's gone and theres nothing anyone can do about it." Tears started forming in my eyes before I couldn't even finish my last sentence. I took a pause and tired to gather myself. I replayed the events of that fateful day.