The Loud Mind Of A Quiet Person

Twentyonepilots

      I began this chapter by saying that music saved my life. But I did not talk too much about it. I mentioned how much Linkin Park and Eminem helped me but it was not them I referred to when I said this powerful message. It was Twentyonepilots. A line was strong enough to help like nothing else in my darkest hours could: "An earlier grave is an optional way. No."-Neon Gravestones.

Before I talk more about how I became a Twentyonepilots fan and give more details about how helpful the verse above was, I want to clarify something: Listening to "sad" music does not make you sadder! Why? Because you listen to such music to find comfort, it is a decision that we make in order to help ourselves. Of course we would all want everything in life to run smoothly and to just enjoy the catchy tunes and sing along to them but it is impossible. Some songs can be heartbreaking for you at certain moment, I still have songs I avoid because they mean too much but I know for sure that music helped me like nothing else could, that "sad" music which in fact is just music about pain. In this way the artists express themselves and help themselves getting heavy things out of their chests and we, listeners, can feel something relatable. I had thoughts like" This is song is like it is written for me, or by me. It expresses how I feel and think better than I could have ever done it. "Not to mention, if a public person like a singer talks about mental health problems, you feel less lonely. Of course, negative thoughts do not avoid you simply because you are a public person or you are rich but it strengthens the bond between you and the artist if he/she decides to be vulnerable.

It was the worst period of my life when the Trench album by Twentyonepilots came out. I skipped meals, could not go to University, could not sleep, during daytimes I tried to force myself to sleep not to think anymore because the present really hurt, I could not talk to anybody, I could not enjoy my hobbies and other such symptoms. My biggest fear is dying. Or not living enough before this happens. But when you are in such a bad state of mind the worst and most dangerous thing is that you lose your rationality. So I thought often without me wanting to about how it would be like if... I no longer exist." Would people care? If yes, for how many days?" While I was checking Trench album, and feeling frustrated I was depressed and could not enjoy it properly (your favorite band releases an album after three years and you feel nothing), Neon gravestones came next. One of the most emotional songs I know because it addresses such a sensitive topic. Hearing: "An earlier grave is an optional way. No." did not change my mood, nor solved my depression but it did a crucial thing: it made me promise myself I would never ever voluntarily even think about an... earlier grave. Another deep line backed up this statement. In fact, the whole song is a very powerful statement about this "mistake" as Tyler Joseph, the lead singer of Twentyonepilots calls it (he never used that word in the song so I will try not to use it in my book either). These lyrics hit home for me the most:

"
" (genius.com)

Yes, Tyler, it is very true. I strongly felt this way and after noticing these lyrics I realized how wrong I was thinking like this. Punishing yourself to punish someone is NEVER a solution. Some people, myself included, might have thought something similar to:"If they do not care about my existence, let's see if they care about my absence". This idea is so wrong. It is from pain, it is from anger or other such factors. Do not even think about it! If you do not feel valued by someone, exit that person's life, not life in general.

I began listening to Twentyonepilots from "Stressed out", their most popular song. I was changing TV channels and on a music program it was "Alternative hour". I was 10th grade and it was spring. Until that moment, I had only listened to rap (I began listening Linkin Park at the end of the year 2015). Then came this young person on a tricycle, rapping. Not necessarily my cup of tea but I enjoyed it enough to let the song finish. I was not used to such songs. I listened mostly Eminem, 50 Cent, Dr. Dre etc. So I went back on my computer to check on Youtube this "rapper". But, of course, it was a band, not a rapper. I listened to some songs, I enjoyed them. Then I listened to some more until I became a fan. But the transition from a band that I enjoy to a band I adore is made by the lyrics. When I first saw Stressed out, it had like five million views. Seven months later it reached 300 million. Now it has around two billion. That is some nice growth. I feel proud for them. I wish I knew them earlier. Beside lyrics, another aspect of music is very important to me: live performances. They absolutely nail it! It is impressive how much energy only two persons can bring. Youtube views are not the best criteria for evaluating quality, but I made that remark because when I was searching the live songs of their first two albums, some of them were played in high schools. Now they sell out Madison Square Garden in two or three days. When they won their first Grammy, they took off their trousers during their speech. They did this because they had made a promise to themselves: when they were young and watching The Grammy Ceremony at home, they wore shorts and said that if they somehow got a Grammy, they would wear shorts again as a reminder of that moment. I was so proud of them and so happy. The lead singer is going to be a father this year, another reason of joy for myself and for every fan of them.

Why did I become so attached to them? It is simple. Their music helped me a lot. It is somehow strange that you feel closer to people you have never met than to people you interact daily or knew since you were a kid. I felt as if their lyrics translated my mind and soul. It was such a fuzzy feeling. From the five musical best friends I have, Twentyonepilots have the deepest lyrics. There is not a single song that I do not like from them. I love things that stimulate my mind and make me think. This year they come in my country for the first time. I had wet eyes because of this happy news and it was so unexpected. I have already been gifted with the happiest moment of my life last year thanks to music. The community of the band is adorable too. Most of comment sections are filled with good thoughts and positive vibes like: "Stay strong, thank you for existing, you are awesome, we are with you" etc. And no, these are not replies to people who asked for some help, they are signs of empathy of beautiful people. I suppose they do so because if you are a fan of Twentyonepilots and feel helped by their songs, you struggle with mental health, whether it is anxiety, loneliness or depression therefore you know what it is like and how much some kind words can mean. People share there their life stories, they heal each other and express how much the band means to them so you get help both from the song and from the fan base. That is precious.

Not long after I had found the band, I also found that out that Tyler Joseph also had an album, written in his basement when he was young. It is called No Phun Intented. It has been more than ten years since its release and I feel happy that Tyler got past his darkest times. When I felt misunderstood and hurt, the songs of this album comforted me. Drown was the most relatable one. It is indeed pretty dark but in the end it is a realistic depiction of depression. Sometimes you just know how it feels like but cannot describe it, so any person who did that through metaphors helped a lot. I found it nice that he used some lyrics from this album in the band's future albums. The song Drown is also one of my favorites for my next best friend and, as I mention previously, the band that offered me the happiest moments of my life so it is time I talked about it.