The Loud Mind Of A Quiet Person

Trauma and memory

     After a traumatic experience, I was so fragile that a single thought could ruin all the effort I put into having a decent mood. Memory became the biggest enemy. In my case, the best memories became the worst. I should live like my last two years did not exist which is pretty much impossible. The things we want to forget the most are the ones that persist and haunt us the most. Even now, something random triggered memories from five years ago. I remember everything, every word I said, every word the person I miss said and I remember how I felt during that conversation. Things stay so long in our mind because we cared enough. During our days, we do not store literally everything into our brain. We automatically select what stays and what does in our mind by the level of caring we give to those things. If it feels like you remember everything, or more than usual, it is because you cared more than usual. When you are very involved into another person's life and that connection is abruptly and painfully severed, besides the obvious grief, it is hard because that person does not leave your brain. It hurts more because of the surprise element. When a dear one, like a grandparent dies, obviously, it hurts you a lot. But the rational part from your mind protects you a little. Death is normal and dying from old age is a goal in the end. When you are backstabbed though, you cannot see it coming, especially when you hurt your hands and bleed to get the knives out from the person's back that you care about only for those knives to end in your back instead. Being hurt by the person you give your best to heal is at points unbearable.

When I think about PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), the example that comes to my mind first is the war. One of the main characteristic of PTSD is the flashback. To avoid thinking you must keep yourself busy but you cannot hide from your thoughts before you go to sleep. The memories torture you. The memories are mirrored in the morning too. I remember I used to overthink like an hour after I woke up. Then I had to yell to myself like" C'mon, get out the bed, wash your face, get breakfast and start your day." I do not know tricks that help you sleep faster. But you have to break the chain of thoughts in the morning and wake up for good as soon as possible. The worst are the memory triggers because you have no control over them. I gave the war example in order to give this next one. If you suffer from PTSD after war, what things can bring those memories back? Anything war related: guns, soldiers, tanks, bombs etc. Imagine how frustrating it is for a soldier with PTSD to fight to keep the memories under control and having a normal life. He goes to a mall for example, and in a clothing store, he sees a t-shirt with camouflage pattern. A single trigger like this starts a memory avalanche. The war related triggers like weapons are the most obvious one. What about names though? Maybe that soldier had a friend named John who was killed in the war. Now, every time he sees or hears this name, he will remember everything about him, the grief will follow and he will think about his experiences in war too.

Unfortunately, being in a war is not the only thing that can give you PTSD. Human interactions can leave you traumatized too, especially the ones in which you were mentally abused. In my case, even now after two years I cannot listen to certain songs which I really enjoy. I skip them every time they come to my playlist. Maybe it is better if I delete them. After an abusive relationship, every memory hurts. The memories about verbal abuse are the worst. Not to mention that having arguments with the person you cared about the most was the last thing you wanted to happen. Now you overthink about it and try to fix those fights too, like they would matte now. But a traumatized brain does not function normally. Because you never wanted fights, you were as meek as possible but you still try to find better lines or to explain better. It cannot be as beautiful as "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" by Dr. Seuss. Not only you cannot look back and be good with the situation in general, but nothing from the past is positive. Of course, there were good parts too, good memories. But they were good at those moments. Now, those good memories hurt because you miss the person and how you felt and also because overall you were used or neglected. Before all this, I thought that narcissists are just persons who like to take selfies, basically, people who like their own image. That was all I know about it. No wonder that I was a victim having such a low knowledge. I ignored 95% bad for 5% good. I somehow thought that bad things were exceptions even though they were the norm and I held on tightly to everything good. When I forgave, I did not care about all the reason not to do it. I just found justifications to do it again and again. There are people who would give everything for you and people who would take everything from you. When you give, you do not expect things back. You give because it makes you happy. But not everyone will appreciate it and people can take advantage of that, intentionally or not. This matters less for you anyway because the effects are the same. In my chapter about love I mentioned that caring is the source of everything. If you care, you do things. Well, not caring is the source of everything too for the people who have this trait. If you do not care in general, you do things accordingly. This must be the reason why interactions between empaths and narcissists leave the empaths drained. One gives everything and the other gives nothing back and also takes everything. I figured out that the goal is not to forget things because this does not depend on you. The goal is to reach a good enough general mood so that if a memory is triggered, it stays for little time in your brain and it does not hurt you badly. Reaching to that mood after traumatic events and heartbreaks is extremely difficult, but fortunately, not impossible.