The Loud Mind Of A Quiet Person

Chapter VIII- Life, Death and Happiness

     I am terrified of death. I talked a bit about it my chapter about God. Now, I pretty much accepted this inevitable outcome. Now I am terrified of not living enough, and by enough I do not mean enough period of time. I read some years ago Dear Theo by Irving Stone. This book is about Vicent van Gogh's life. Now, he is a legend, a person known by most people, but what about his life? It was filled with sadness and loneliness. He was not acknowledged at all while he was alive. I thought that if he had to choose to be this popular after his death or being less known or unknown at all but having a better life, what would his choice be? I do not care about how I am seen or talked about after my death. I want to be happy during my life. The goal of life should be happiness as long as your happiness does not interfere with the others'. I keep having this question: If I died tomorrow, would I die happy? Well, not really. My goal is to achieve that inner peace when I can die next day and be ok with it. Death happens suddenly for many people. It can happen to anybody anytime. Kobe Bryant died from a helicopter crash, my father's best friend died of lung cancer even though he has never smoked. Life is extremely fragile. I can just not wake up the next morning or I can be stabbed on the street or something can fall on my head. Of course, I could do some things to reduce the risks. I can be extra careful when I am outside and I can have my health checked to prevent tragedies. So, how can I achieve peace of mind? It is hard to explain because it is a complex feeling, a feeling I do not know yet. I can just fantasize how it would be like. But if I can imagine it, it can be possible. Not to mention that I felt at times moments when my soul felt warm. Nothing that can be achieved with money can do that. Can money bring happiness? Yes. Can money bring the happiness, or how I call, peace of mind? No. Not in my case at least. If you can achieve mental peace by having a nice house and some cars- it is good for you then. I often thought that If were rich, I would donate a lot. And I want to become rich and to donate a lot. Since I am a giver, the happiness of sharing is immense for me. Before that, I must ensure that my parents will stop working because they have been doing it since they were sixteen and they sacrificed their time and health for me and my brother to have a better life than them. Two or three years ago I wanted to leave the country, and I was very determined to do it. Now, I only want to do that if I can afford to buy my parents a small apartment in the country I would go. Unfortunately, nowadays is pretty difficult to have a house of your own. Home is awesome. The soul heat I received from home mostly fixed my mental health. I will be talking about this more soon enough. Furthermore, if I left the country I would make my parents sad. They still hope my brother would return home. I hope he will too. An eventual departure of mine would be a K.O for them. I thought about this peace of mind and I come to the conclusion that we do not decide what brings us peace. If you ask people to make a wish of theirs come true or what make them the happiest, you will get various answers. If people get happiness by having power it is ok. If people get happiness by physical pleasure it is ok. If people get happiness by being rich it is ok. If people get happiness by helping others it is ok. No happiness is nobler than the other. I can have all the money in the world and I can easily be lonely and depressed. For soul problems money cannot be a solution. I could get some indirect happiness by making other people happy but nothing that can make me directly happy with it. I fantasized about my ideal life. Having a soul connection would be the most important aspect of it. As long as I would have a place to sleep and food to eat, not only that would be ok, but I feel like nothing could make me happier and I would feel like I have the power to literally do and overcome anything. I once saw a cute picture on Facebook. It was a man on the side of a road selling something, I suppose it was how he earned the money for living and his wife or partner was hugging him from behind while he was sitting on his chair. If you have this type of happiness, anything else is just a bonus but this connection alone is already more than enough from my perspective.

Life today is pretty messed up. You study twenty years to get in debt thirty years and to work forty years to afford a place to stay. We cannot change individually this way of live but we can make important decisions. It is unfair that you cannot live simply by doing what you like. Maybe I do not want to work. Maybe I want to make puzzles all my life. They make me happy. Maybe others want to paint or want to sing or want to dance all their lives. It is wrong that we have to pay to simply exist. Until this thing changes, we can fight from inside. Since the system is formed in such way that we spend most of our lives working, it is crucial to do something that you truly like so as you do not feel it as work, but rather as passion. So, do not simply chase the money. The environment at the work place should be highly positive too. Stress kills. You should get happiness from your place of work, not only when it is paycheck day. Doing your job responsibly day in and day on should be appreciated. You are a human being, not a machine so if your successes are celebrated, this should raise your moral. You should live your life there too, not just wanting to go back home as soon as possible. Your life should last longer than from 5 P.M when you leave and weekends. Otherwise, this is not life. Being aware of the flaws of this system is the first step. You should never do things just because "you have to" or because others did it too. Do not be a sheep. Do things only if they make sense to you.

Another thing that I try to do besides obtaining peace is having as few regrets as possible. I want to say what I want to say and do what I want to do without any fears or restrictions. I do not want to hold anything back. I do not want to postpone my life. I want to be as present as I can. I spent enough time anyway between the regrets of the past and the fears of the future. I want to take advantage of the present as much as possible. Tomorrow is not guaranteed so I want to do anything I can during that day for my happiness. I want to be all in all the time with my emotions and thoughts.