The Loud Mind Of A Quiet Person

Sexuality

     I mentioned few pages back that I am demisexual. This was for me the weirdest personality trait I discovered. I felt like some sort of lunatic being surrounded by this world where sex is present left and right and I was not attracted by it. I found about this through Facebook, the definition of it was floating around online. And when I saw the definition, it was like a "Eureka" moment for me.

"Demisexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by only experiencing sexual attraction after making a strong emotional connection with a specific person. A demisexual identity is a useful indicator for where a person might fall on the asexual spectrum". (dictionary.com)

Now, if you ask people, most of them will say they are demisexuals just because it is highly ethical I suppose. But there is more to it than just morality. I remember I was feeling very lonely during my first year as student and I was making scenarios in my mind about this, before I knew I am demisexual. They were something like this: "Most people have sex for fun. I cannot understand it but I should not judge them either. Should not sex be made out of love? I do not even like this word. I prefer making love. This suits me better. People nowadays do not even say sex. They use the F word. I will stick to making love. I would not have sex with random people. I would not do it not even if Rihanna would dance in my lap. Heck, I would not do it even If I was paid by her. "Of course, I felt I am crazy for having these thoughts but I felt I truly mean it and it was not something to say just because it sounded good. Now that I knew about it I am calm about it. It was not my decision to be demisexual but I am proud of it. It is still weird that I am a man. I will talk more about men problems in my chapter about sexism. I feel like trying to explain to a man who is not demisexual about it and that I truly feel like this would result in being called crazy or naïve in 90% of the cases. But as I said, let's leave men and society demands for another time.

Last year this time I had no idea about asexuality though. I learned about it from a close person. The definition above of demisexuality is just partially right in my case. Is not like I feel having sex as much as others but only with the person I have a bond with. Even with that type of person, sex is something... just out of love. I could live happily making love just to have child/children and that will be it. I think of making love as the highest form of love. (Dying for a dear person if that would save his/her life also enters in this category) So I cannot feel lust and I am more of an asexual than a demisexual, even though demisexuality is a category of asexuality. I am highly romantic though. But I must define what romanticism is for me. It is based on small, cute things. Love can be expressed so easily without lustful things. I do not know how to categorize kisses. For me they are both love and lust. But again, they can be made out of love. At some point I remember if I had one wish, I would choose a hug over a kiss from the person I was in love with. Sometimes, hugs can be more meaningful than kisses. Kisses should be a strong expression of love, something magical, like making love. I do not consider neck kisses romantic. They are erotic. Romanticism for me is about things that make my soul happy, not my body. Hugs, holding hands, cuddling and forehead/cheek kisses are things that would lit my soul. I keep thinking about the fact that it would be such a nice thing for me and rare if my first kiss with my partner would be on the wedding day and the first time making love would end with a child. I would call these demisexuals' goals. I guess this trait of mine made me feel so often uncomfortable about sex scenes in movies and also sad when I was very lonely. People were just dating for a short time and were already doing it. It felt like such a waste for me and I got frustrated with how people can get so easily happiness. Body excitement must feel good but I want my soul happy.